The Soul of Soulpower

I crawled into my bed on Friday, left it briefly on Saturday and got back in it until today. I wasn’t exhausted or anything as I had managed my time fairly well last week. I had the blues.  It started with money. Right when I finally have a drop of breathing room it looks like the axe is about to fall.  All manner of salary cuts, layoffs, unpaid days off etc, may be on the horizon and I’m not happy about it. The last 6 months or so I’ve actually been able to NOT think about money or how to get more or how to spend less. I could just live and I did and I enjoyed it. No I didn’t go on a vacation or buy anything extravagant. I’ve just gotten the things that I need.  I talk about that a lot here and where my inspiration came from but let me say that it has been hard and frustrating and scary.

I decided to leave my former husband during the gas crisis of 2008. You know when gas what topping out at 4.00 or more a gallon in some places. I went from paying half the bills of a household to paying all the bills of a household. I have some health challenges and they cost money. I had to make hard choices. I cried at the pharmacy window because I couldn’t get my medicine.  I won’t even put it nicely, it was a bitch.  Living a life of comparative austerity and I say comparative because as documented here before. I was all about excess, clothes, jewels, shoes and weight.  I knew that being on my own was going to be hard but it was something that I had to do and even with the economic downturn which my family had experienced a starting in 2006 and had only worsened by 2008 I went for it.  There were many lonely nights, many nights spent crying, many nights thinking, why didn’t it work and why is this so hard, and when am I going to feel better.

In the meantime, while I was trying to get over the love of my life, Bill was constantly begging for my attention—for my dollars.  Some jerks violated me and my home and stole  said jewels, computers and such and I thought it was too much too bear, but I bore it and pressed on because my own freedom was the most important thing to me.  Then the rollercoaster ride was over. I was able to get off and hit cruise control.  Now that the marriage wreckage was clear, the financial wreckage was clear I could breathe again I could let my fro down and let it blow in the breeze, but only for a short while.

Now back at Friday and the week of bad financial/job news and a lack of valentine , again (yes I’m mushy like that). I took to my bed for the pity party.  Why do I have to go through this financial ish again? Why is it always so hard for me and to be frank, why am I in the bed alone? Well there was a valid reason for that one so I could let that one pass but still I couldn’t help but feeling shut off and beat down. Plenty of crying and whining but no destructive behavior, outside of not eating enough. The time not spent doing the crying/whining was on the social media sites. Hell nobody could see me and that was a good thing.  Now you might be wondering what is she getting at with all of this foolishness?  What I’m getting at is—sometimes I get tired and I just have to bitch about it and get downright pitiful.

I’m not feeling pitiful today, I’m feeling much better and living in my normal state of foolishness and chaos and I’m ok with it.  My circumstances have not changed, the terrain ahead is rough and I know it. I expect that I’ll have a couple more meltdowns along the way but I see the beauty in the meltdown. The meltdown/pity party or whatever you want to call it is really a cleansing process.  During that process I can get out all that stuff that was building up, get my mind clear and get a plan together. Though the pity party starts with me on my own, I always have something or someone that comes in and helps me clean up. This time there were two. One will see this, one will not however it goes I want you both.

Feeling pitiful? Back up against the wall? Fed-up? Go ahead and have a pity party and get it all out. If it’s truly just the blues, you’ll feel much better when it’s done.

Note: if you have been in more than a funk (2 weeks or more)then I absolutely encourage seeking the help of a professional in your area, there may be services through your job as well that are free. 

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I look forward to the game, but am not in my usual state of hyperventilation in anticipation of it. I’m not fired up because in the end, it is a game. In the end the cities that each of these teams represents will continue to have triumph and to have struggle.  The thought of zillions of dollars spent to “put on” an event of the magnitude, the thought of the gazillions of dollars spent to advertise at the event knowing that there are people on the street right now who don’t have Doritos or BMWs, they don’t need Viagra and aren’t going on vacation. Folks need a home and a hot meal.  Oh and let’s not forget to mention that high level security, FBI and CIA type security in addition to local authorities are now required for a sporting event of this magnitude. Yeah the new normal is the ever present (supposed) threat of terrorism that will require fans attending the game to get there HOURS early to get felt up and have their bags rifled through. Yeah that’s really fun times.

I love football, really I do, I’m hoping that once the national anthem is over I will be ready to settle in and enjoy the game with the same fervor as I always do.  We know that however it ends some NFL history will be made.  When the game is over, and the endless analysis is done and we step back into the real world, let’s be a bit more mindful.  Love your people, love those who can’t help themselves, love yourself, love your higher power those things will always trump sports and in the end, those are the things that matter most.

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Harassing my soul

I have a dear friend who has the most colorful use of language. Usually when you here colorful in terms of the way someone speaks you think of someone who does a lot of swearing but that’s not the case with her, it’s all in the phrasing and the descriptions. One of my favorites is when she speaks of someone who is really getting on her nerves, her last nerve she says that the person is harassing her soul. I love that and as such am going to borrow that. I don’t have people per say that are harassing my soul I’d say that there are conditions, events, thoughts and things in my sight that right now are absolutely harassing my soul.

The Economy

Is not something that I talk about much in the social media, web or any public space because I’m not an economic expert but I do work a job, I do contribute to the economy.  My work for the most part is alright.  I don’t have a problem with it what I do have a problem with is the relationship between leadership and individual contributors and the failure of leadership to take stock and take responsibility for all that ails this economy has me vexed.  There are few, but not many who take responsibility, admit wrong, or seek the counsel and ideas of the common/the masses of us who do the actual grinding to find solutions to overcome a crisis.  For the most part, the individual contributor is the first to bear the brunt of leadership failure.  In the economic climate we live in now, there is an automatic out.  Things just aren’t the way they used to be companies don’t sell, tax receipts are lower and offering plates are going wanting. So now expectations are lowered, salaries and benefits are lowered for those who remain workers in the economy and we are to grin and bear it, because in times as difficult as these we are fortunate and blessed to be getting a paycheck instead of an unemployment check.  The problem is that the economy is not exactly dead.  Capitalism is definitely not dead. We aren’t living in a barter system, we’re living in a C.R.E.A.M. system. Everything that you need to get and I mean need like food, gas, electricity, heating/air require cash.  Earnings diminish but the bills remain the same and even increase and the ends that you finally got to meet a few years ago have now fissured and are growing further apart.

There’s been studies/statistics  that show economic downturns often spur an increase in entrepreneurship. That may have been true during previous boom and bust times but not so much now.  The new normal is that individuals and families struggle longer, great ideas for new businesses are met with big fat NOs from big fat banks who want to hold on to their cash. I believe that in the new normal, some will not ever recover. What happens then?

America is the land of the free and the home of the brave, but as the economy continues to squeeze, as politicians continue to lie, as corporations continue to steal and demand more from their workers for less, our level of bravery is tested and our freedom really begins to not feel as such because our choices have narrowed.  We become limited, we become survivalists, we become bitter, we become something other than our normally creative, competent selves. 

I see how the collapse has affected me personally I see how it has affected my community and all indications is that the dip, recession ne collapse, is a runaway train.  How can it be stopped? How do we all get back on our feet?  Will those who haven’t fallen help those who have? These are the things that are harassing my soul.

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I heard Brian Williams on Countdown with Keith Olbermann talk about the people of Haiti as people who had next to nothing and now have nothing as a result of the earthquake, it hit me hard.  Regardless of what we say or think, regardless of the rights we do or don’t have in this country we STILL have much that we do so little with.

We have a car and a job and a home but the car is five years old, the job only pays $40k  a year and the home is too small to house all of our many things.  We in this country live so large and think and act so small dealing in trivialities like our stuff, the stuff we have, the stuff others have, the stuff we don’t have.  I don’t believe acquiring, holding onto and coveting stuff whatever it is, is why we are placed here on this earth.   I believe we are here to serve.  The earthquake in Haiti has reinforced that belief for me.

Each and every one of us has the ability and the means to serve one other person in some way.  The amount of help is inconsequential but the help IS consequential.  I heard former President Clinton say right now the best way to help is to give money, even $1. Lord know you can’t even get a Starbucks cup of coffee for $1. Why not do that? What are you really giving up to help our brothers and sisters in Haiti?  Most likely you are giving something up that isn’t essential to living and breathing in the first place.

There are those who say, well why should I send money out of this country when we have people right here who are starving and I say as always put your money where your B.A.M. is and feed the hungry right here.

All I’m really saying is Haiti is telling me and maybe it is telling you too, it’s time to serve someone other than yourself.

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Get up out of my bed on my day OFF to queue up for a tv, computer, sheets or a blender?  Are you kidding me? Don’t get me wrong now I know some folks need these items. Hell, I need a blender right now as I lost one in the divorce (a steamer/rice cooker too come to think of it) but getting up to get one for $10.00 or whatever it is in the dark and the cold (yeah 30 something is cold in GA) is not happening.   I’m anti-Black Friday. I know it’s an American tradition, I know there are deals deals deals and all of that but I am not moved from my couch to go get in on the fun.  I didn’t even know what Black Friday was until 2006. I knew that there were sales after Thanksgiving but I didn’t have a clue that there was a name for this day. Now that I do I am so over it.

Stop going for the okey doke

Back in the stone age when I was in college I studied marketing and advertising, the biggest okey doke of them all when it comes to consumer products.   We create “needs” through marketing, notice the need in quotes.  As a student of it nevertheless I became a victim of it as well and hated myself for it quite frankly. I had a lot of “needs” created for me that frankly I couldn’t afford but had to have and guess what I paid a bitter price for it.  There’s no need to pay at all.  If you are looking at an ad on television for a television and you have three already, guess what you don’t need it.  Are you replacing the one you’re looking at or another? Why? Is it broken or does it not show hi-def  1080p or whatever they call the stuff and that’s why you want another one?  Will the new fancy tv really add to your viewing experience?  Maybe it does but will the cost of it in dollars, in travel, in sweat equity, in rearranging your home, in getting rid of something add to your life experience? Think about it.

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I stand at the crossroads again.  What I believe to be true in my Faith and what I see to be true in people are so often irreconcilable.  For people of faith, you know that we are made in the image of God, but let me tell you that the images I see in “the body” don’t look to be of God. I do not exclude myself from this discussion. As I struggle daily walking the fence between the sacred and the profane to think about it that fence walking is more than daily. I walked it hour by hour and minute by minute.  If you have been reading the blogs, the tweets and so on, you know EXACTLY what I mean for the most part.  You know what I’m about. The same mouth that proclaims that Jesus is Lord is the same mouth that can string together a series of F-Bombs into an essay, read you the riot act and not even flinch. Knowing my foibles, knowing my struggles and knowing that others struggle as well but won’t lay it out there bare pains me.

There is a front that is put on, that church face, the hallelujah praise the Lord church face that is on for “the body” to see but in the home, in the street, on the job there may be a “whole nother animal” that exists.  When the church face is off all manner of things are done and said that are in direct conflict with what is taught in the faith.  The fronting is even more pronounced when it is done at the level of leadership.  We know it’s all a front when we witness the fall.  Deacons, Ministers, Pastors, Bishops, you know the deal. These are the folks that bring the word of God on Saturday or Sunday morning and at the same time covets his neighbor’s wife and maybe even takes her to bed. She’s the Pastor who steals money from the church, he’s the Deacon who undresses you with his eyes.  Then there’s the more subtle types, the ones who don’t indulge in drinking, smoking, sexing and what have you, but their pride and ambition takes their eyes from the hills from which comes their help, but puts their eyes on how many more members can they can get, how many more buildings can be built, how many more ministries can be created.  It is these things that are troubling the church of the rebelleft at this time.  I spend time in prayer, I spend time in the counsel of those I trust, yet I do not have an answer to my dilemma. How do I reconcile the imperfection of man with the perfection of God?  Is holiness an impossibility?  I had a dear friend tell me that the pressure I put on myself was absolutely over the limit. She told me that I was not Jesus.  She just as well could have hit me over the head.  That made sense, but knowing I’m not Jesus still doesn’t make the living easier, the desire to do right by people easier, nor lessen the amount of disappointment in people that happens daily.

I need a resolution.

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Season of Change

I entered into one of many seasons of change in 2006.  At this time I began to find my life lacking. One way that I made up for what I believed to be lacking was by acquiring stuff the other was by acquiring projects. Something needed to be done for the Sorority, I signed up, need somebody to cover an even at church? I was right there.  Need rescuing from some grave situation in the middle of the night I was on the ready and in the car to come and get you. In 2007 and 2008 this escalated to the point that I was NEVER home. I was working to get our current president elected, doing the sorority/church/rescue/Gal Friday thing and leaving the place that I’d called home for over a decade.  Once I moved there was a brief reprieve. I allowed it because I had to get settled in and set some sort of vision for what I wanted my new life to look like (I’m still not sure about that) but I did exhale for about one month. Then it all started back up again I changed jobs, there was the election, a new church, financial pressure, the fitness routine and so on.  I exhaled briefly during the spring, then somebody or some bodies decided that they wanted me around to handle this that and the third and I did because I could but really because I greatly over estimate my ability to handle multiple projects at a time.  Sometimes it is fun, sometimes not so much. So I end up here on Thursday night looking at the weekend and the schedule thinking, I better get stuff straight at home tonight because this weekend is going to be busy and I won’t want to do any household tasks come Sunday. That’s when the light bulb went off. How committed am I to these people, these projects, this stuff?  What am I sacrificing in order to get it all in? Am I as motivated today as I was say a year ago when all these activities were partially a vehicle to help get me through a trying time? I’m not so sure.

There is another piece to this commitment thing that I can’t let slide by without mentioning and that is a LACK of commitment. I have pointed a finger at folks and questioned their level of commitment to a project, a person, an idea and even went as far as arguing that people don’t commit because they don’t want to be held accountable.  Well by saying that to others, as usual I can look in the mirror to say it to myself.  There’s been plenty of times when I have been intentionally vague and non-committal to something because I didn’t want to be “checked” on it later or I didn’t want to risk some sort of failure.  I add this piece to say; being non-committal can be just as damaging as being overly committed.

Why am I sharing this with you? I apologize for taking you the long way home but I took the long way to illustrate the difficulty that the big C word can cause in the mind.  One thing that I’ve said/promised to myself is that I would focus only on those things that I care deeply about, that I love, and fits those ideals/principles that I value most, love, peace, freedom and justice. Somewhere along the way I strayed from those things.  Maybe you have strayed too. So in this month of November I will be focused on Commitment and put all commitments to the test with these questions:  Am I committed? Why am I committed? Does this fit my core values? I believe by examining each of the people/projects/things that I’ve committed to in this way I can get back to center (or close) and be much more engaged in/to what remains.

Where are you on the commitment scale? Is it time for you to do an examination as well? If so, please feel free to share your thoughts/ideas here.

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