It took me a little over 24 hours before I was able to answer the question, why do I care? My initial answer was “because I do”.  Then it came to me at the end of an exhausting day, that I care and do what I do, out of love.

You may be familiar with love, peace, freedom and justice or love peace and soul. Those have been my taglines for years.  Love has always been first, my tip top priority, because I believed for all of my days until recently that love of the Eros kind was the best love one could ever have.  Many lovers, one husband and many failures forced me to change my focus. The new tagline became justice, freedom, peace and love about two months ago.  As far as I was concerned Eros love was dead, as I’d failed at it too many times.  In my mind (as I am more logical and less emotional now ha ha ha!), I believed that fairness and justice for others and for myself trumped everything else. Freedom cannot exist with injustice. Living in a state of entanglement of any kind certainly doesn’t give one a peaceful frame of mind and as we’ve seen throughout history, injustice, more oft than not leads to unrest or even worse complacency.

I had arrived at a state of unrest; I could not have any peace within my own spirit because I’d been complacent in my duty to God, to others and to myself.  I’d been shackled by anger, fear, lack, doubt and a host of other negative emotions for far too long.  The only way that I could be free was to lose all of that negativity and walk on the path that was meant for me. I was on the road to Damascus and didn’t even know it and on that road a funny thing happened – I found love.

The one thing that I had put down came back to me in a way in which I didn’t expect and it was beautiful, it is beautiful. This new love of self and of people and of God was good, is good.  Appreciation for all that I have instead of what I have not, expressing love to others through action, with no expectation of anything in return and REALLY understanding that when all else fails, God’s love never fails has been nothing short of a revelation.

I’ve been told that I love hard and I do, and alas I am just fine with that. I do the things that I do, go the places that I go and say the things that I say, out of love.  No matter the position it has in the tagline I want people to be treated justly and fairly out of love, I want people to be free, out of love. I want people to have peace, out of love and I want all to live and to give from a place of love.

Have you felt love today? If you haven’t felt love try giving some love today.

Let love be your motivation in all that you do, it is the one thing that ties us all together. 

Sometimes you just don’t understand what is going on. Sometimes you’re just not meant to.  After spending over a month trying to figure out a situation, I decided to run away from home.

I haven’t been on a vacation since 2002.  I mean a real vacation, not a conference, not going home to see the family or anything like that I mean a vacation, where you can be a tourist, or lay around and do nothing.  An opportunity came my way, and seeing that I was SAD AS HELL, sliding quickly into a depression, in which nothing seemed to remedy, I decided what the hell, I will go maybe I can find a little peace in the midst of the storm that I was going through.  That decision was made within 24 hours of the offer, and was made in the face of FEAR based on lame excuses as lame as could be.

While I was away, I found that my heart was on my sleeve. The feelings were saw raw and so near the surface that while speaking to someone that I’d only recently met, tears began to stream down my face.  I was pissed that it happened, but I did nothing to stop it from happening, because apparently it was what I needed to do.  Fortunately, this person, is highly evolved, understanding and someone that I can now count as a friend for sitting there, without judgment, without advice, nor recommendation, they let me do it and alas I felt the chains begin to loosen.

While away I had plenty of time to think and that is all.  Of course I’m thinking all the time but that thinking is in the midst of multi-tasking. This time I got to lie in the sun, no music, no books, no tv and absolutely, positively unwired, I was able to (as Keith Murray once said, let my mind unfurl).  There were more tears on the trip, but I left them there, in the dark while staring up at the moon alone.

I figured out that there’s nothing that I can do about the situation.  I figured out that I’d spent a considerable amount of time, not living, just going through the motions and even faking it in order to get by while my brain was flipping and my soul was crumbling. I figured out that, I only have a finite amount of time to spend here on this earth and the time spent in sorrow, anger, anguish, despair and depression, was time that I would not ever see again.

I asked myself the question, perhaps you have asked it as well.  If this were my last day, would I say that I spent it in the best possible manner that I could.  The answer on that last day of tears was no.  I figured out right then that if I had another chance, that I would not spend it thinking about or grieving over things that I had no control over – things that I could not change. I decided that I would spend time each day appreciating all that I had, instead of lamenting what I did not have.  I decided that I would purposely look for beauty in the midst of all things ugly. I decided that it was time to stop going through the motions of live and start living it without fear, without regret, without lamentation.

Won’t you make the same decision today?

On July 4, 2010 50,043 folks and I ran and walked down Peachtree to Piedmont Park in the 40^th Peachtree Road Race in Atlanta, GA.  Always held on the 4^th of July rain or shine, folks have been lacing up since 1970.  This year I completed my 12^th and it was just as special as all others.

Puttin’ in Work

This year I got a little more serious about the training. I figured lighter equals faster so I worked on my diet and got started building up base miles a bit earlier.  I also made sure to stick to the regimen regardless of any distractions, outside/inside, physical and mental and trust me there were plenty.  I don’t follow any specific program or anything, just one that works best for me.  Knowing that I’ll not be able to repeat any of my times from the mid 90s when I first started doing it, the goal was to finish faster than last year – that goal was attained.

The Details

Being in a late time group (slow runners, walkers and folks who didn’t turn in times from previous 10ks) my schedule is always the same, get down to Lenox about one hour before my time group gets to the start line, chill out, talk to the folks around me and start running when they say go.  This year the weather was perfect. Having suffered through most of June with 90 degree heat daily and high humidity, this morning felt more like May, trust me I was THANKFUL.  The only glitch was GETTING to Lenox. You must have a BREEZE card to get on Marta (our rail system) all of the machines weren’t working at Doraville, the line was a MILE long and it took nearly an hour from arrival in the lot to boarding the train.  Back in the day, prior to the electronic set up, you got a token or placed exact change in the bucket and went right through the turnstiles.  That was a BREEZE – the BREEZE card, not so much. This card has been in use the last three years that I participated in the Peachtree Road Race but this year, was a hassle.

Once getting to Lenox, for the first time I believe EVER I had to go to the bathroom – the long wait without any sweating took its toll and let me tell you the Port-a-John’s were as nasty as ever but you have to do what you have to do.  Did I say that the weather was perfect?

Outside of the long Marta lines, the course was fine, the runners were fine, no one fell out that I know of, there was no ambulance activity.  The music was great, the crowds were there to cheer all of us on and give us the energy we need to get up the dreaded Cardiac Hill.  For the first time since 1996 I think I was able to run the entire course, no stops, no walking and it felt GOOD!

Why I do it

Because I have to.  There were four years since my first in 1995 that I didn’t run or walk it for various reasons, all of which in hindsight were lame. I say I have to do it because it gives me a reason to stay on track with my fitness goals.  I have to do it because training for it keeps me sane. Many a problem, many a bout of depression as well as many good days have been spent on the road or in the park or on the treadmill running.   Besides, the years that I didn’t run Peachtree I felt like something was missing on the 4^th of July.

Going forward

As long as I’m upright and above ground, healthy and living in the metro, I’ll be waking up and running down Peachtree Street with all the other nut jobs, talking about long Marta lines, nasty Port-a-Johns and laughing at some of the silly costumes seen in route and of course copping the coveted Peachtree Tee.  I love it, wouldn’t trade it for the world and if you’re in the area, I invite you to join me next year for Peachtree 41, my 13^th. Registration is in March.

Happy Running!

I have started to the write this post at least five times over the past two years. I know the first time it was much too raw for me to go there with any amount of clarity or objectivity.  Somewhere in the middle I tried it again after hearing some stories, too many I guess. I made an attempt again but happened to be otherwise DISTRACTED (in a good way for once) so I couldn’t really sink my teeth into it then.  This most recent chain events however just won’t allow me to take a pass this time.  I’ve got to go in.

What made me go here this time

A friend of mine, one that I love dearly has sent me over the edge. It doesn’t matter that it’s been done to me before or that I’ve done it to others in my previous life, this one is just raw because you just don’t want it to happen and when it does, at least for me it put the final nail in the coffin.  I held this person in high regard.  When I was going through arguably the most difficult stretch in my life this person was there.  I didn’t literally cry on their shoulder but they felt the tears and listened.  When I was really high thinking that everything was gravy and I was going to be alright they were there to cheer, when I was really low, fluttering and flailing in despair, they were right there as well.  I said many times to this person, you are the ONLY good thing, pure thing, genuine thing in my life. Don’t ever change.  Maybe you are not appreciated for how good you are, but I want you to know that I appreciate you and that the good that you do, the good that you are is going to be rewarded.  As I struggled to my feet for what I thought was for good (I’ve been since been knocked down again but that’s another post for another time) we didn’t talk as much. I felt that my reliance on their support was too much. I felt like it’s time to stand on my own feet and I did.  That season had finally passed, however I would never forget all that they’d done for me and if it was ever called for, they KNEW I’d ride or die for them, regardless.  Then something happened.

Without being told, I knew that something was different.  The demeanor had changed, the aura was different, the air was no longer fresh, but it was familiar.  My friend was on the slippery slope.  I recognized it as I had been a victim. Anyone who’s on the slope is a victim, whether you’re the one actively riding it or the one that gets rolled over by rider, you’re both victims because things are not ever the same thereafter.

I remember saying these words. I don’t need you to tell me what you’re doing, because I already know because I have lived it.  What you’re contemplating will change your ENTIRE life are you ready for that?  Do you KNOW that this is the right thing to do? Have you prayed about it?

I guess they didn’t pray.  That is most disappointing. I’m owning that disappointment because I allowed myself to believe, and to hold out that hope that this is something that not everyone does. I lost my faith.

I asked a wise woman, do they all cheat. She said yes, maybe not forever, maybe just once but they do. I guess I can say now it’s not just they, it is we.

As a chaser of rainbows I always want to see the good, the beauty and the wonder of people, of the universe, not the bad, the ugly, the underbelly.  However it still happens and I still get disappointed and bent out of shape when it happens.  I hold onto the belief that, this time I’m not going to see that other side, this time is going to be different.

I Know Better

In our lifetime we have seen the rise and fall of many a politician, entertainer, minister, public person as a result of their pursuit of “interests outside their partnership”. We’ve seen it more intimately as well, maybe you’ve done it, it’s been done to you or your best friend or sister or brother or mother or father. Everybody knows that there is debris and shrapnel in the wake of its discovery.  The partner who discovers it is left bleeding on the ground, left for dead sometimes, and some die, in the sense that a piece of them dies after the event. That loving trusting piece of them can be replaced by bitterness and anger for good and it affects every single relationship thereafter.  Some cases the two remain together the blood is stopped. The wounds are dressed and in time heal, but is it ever really forgotten?  What happens to the other person, that third party that engaged in it? Do they get the man/woman, are they happy or are they left for dead?  What about children, other family members, friends of the parties involved? What happens to them?  The point I’m making is that once you enter in relationships outside of your partnership/marriage/whathaveyou ANYTHING can and will happen it should be EXPECTED, there should be no shock and awe when you’re found out.

Well Why the Hell Does it Happen?

I have turned this over in my mind ZILLIONS of times and have come to the conclusion that it just happens.  People aren’t happy in their relationship so they go somewhere else. People ARE happy in their relationship so they go somewhere else. People are fearful that they’re missing something so they go somewhere else. People are fearful that they have something wonderful, so they go somewhere else.  People are satisfied/ not satisfied, they have great sex/sucky/or no sex so they go somewhere else.  There’s no one answer, it’s a personal thing only those who indulge it know why they’re doing it and then THEY may not even know why. Again, this just happens.

So what now?

That’s left up to the two or three or how many ever it is involved.  Based on what you had, is it worth putting humpty dumpty back together again? Maybe so, maybe not.  Just know that there’s some pain involved, just know that that pain doesn’t last forever unless the parties involved CHOOSE to hold onto it, just know that things will be different. How different? Only time and work and healing will bear that out.

Maybe I should just clock out, for good?

Meaning, maybe I should just give this whole marriage/partnership/relationship thing a proper burial.  In the end, that’s just foolishness. Regardless of all the shenanigans that goes on I believe that love is STILL a beautiful thing and absolutely worth the pursuit of and full engagement in.  I also believe that what must change is our perspective.  It’s not a fairy tale, and our heads have to come out of the clouds.  Our expectations get us into a WORLD of trouble and disappointment, EVEN when they are communicated, which I’m all about.  I think it is possible to approach relationships with clarity, and reality and truthfulness. That doesn’t mean you won’t take some blows to the body, because you WILL, however connections to other human beings are too valuable to our experience on this earth to forgo. We’re not an island unto ourselves, why would you want that?

As for my dear friend

I will love this person regardless, but from afar that is what is true for this moment.  What goes on now doesn’t mean that this person is “bad” it just means that what I expected didn’t match what existed – but only in this instance.  I cannot judge as I have no power and no authority to do so, who am I anyway?  Just a person who cares.  The biggest thing that I’ve learned from this is that what you believe about someone or expect from someone is YOURS, not theirs.  I have framed them in a certain way, I put them in a box of MY creation.  I think that if I hold on to what I know is true – that people will be who THEY are and do what THEY do, then I will have some clarity.  That clarity comes from moving me out of the way.

One more thing. Just because it is a favorite of mine and this is the topic of discussion, enjoy and keep in mind how you frame it ;-)

It was a less than stellar start to the day. Barely able to move out of the bed, just dragging, but it was Friday a pay day, surely this day can’t be that bad. So I get on the good foot and head out the door, up the steps when half way up I see all manner of NASTINESS on the stairs.  The nastiness could have only come from a woman and the sight of such made me want to cut a b**ch.  What kind of nasty, trifling woman would toss such a thing outside?.  I soon rationalized that said woman maybe wasn’t nasty, but was trifling enough to leave her trash outside for cats to bust open and drag the nastiness down the steps.  So I got over it.  The work day was the same as always, full of interruptions, with spurts of work in between.  Needless to say the day could not end fast enough.  At the moment I thought I was free for the weekend someone shows up at my desk for a report. I obliged, then heard the thunder, heard/felt a power surge and listened to my UPS start beeping before the rain came crashing down on the roof.   I hung around a bit to wait on the rain to slack up and finally headed out, relieved of the longest short week in history, relieved of frustration and simply relieved that it was all over.  Then a curious thing happened.

As is often the case in Atlanta, it wasn’t raining everywhere. To my left the sun was coming out, to my right it was raining. I started getting excited. I knew what was about to happen and I started looking around, trying not to wreck, that’s all I needed after a day and a week like this one. Then I saw it, faint but it was there. I continued my commute toward home then made a stop at Walgreens. At the check-out I see one of the store associates at the door saying to everybody “hey you want to see something? Look!” I could tell by that look he had on his face that he was seeing what I saw earlier, except this time it was clear. He saw a rainbow.

Now you may be thinking, “all that build-up for a rainbow.” Yes a rainbow.  After a week filled with a crazy amount of work, emotional highs and lows, as well as experiencing utter disgust at the end of the work week, looking for and being blessed with that rainbow made me know for sure that everything was going to be alright. When I think of rainbows I don’t think of pots of gold I think about the promise of something new and beautiful. When I see rainbows I don’t think about leprechauns I think about the calm and the freshness that comes after the storm.  When I see a rainbow it quite simply makes me smile.

I know you don’t see rainbows every day.  In fact for years and years I didn’t see any and I finally figured out that I never saw them because I wasn’t looking.  Getting caught up in stuff and folks and foolishness, makes it easy to miss the rainbows – the things that are simple and beautiful and exist in the universe with us every single day. 

As long as you’re living, there’s always going to be STUFF, however as you simplify and are able to determine those things that are most important to you those rainbows start to appear.

Did you see your rainbow today?

I had a conversation today in which I said “at 43, quickly approaching 44 years of age I should have it all figured out by now don’t you think?”  The answer that I received was a resounding no.  That answer certainly rocked me. The analytical, mathematical, accountant me is always marking things in time and distance and cost. 43 by my logic seems awfully late to not have it all together, but as I listened further, once I got past the NO I heard that each stage, each age, each moment that passes by all of us have the option and the great opportunity to rethink, revise and rearrange the way we think, the way we act, the way we operate within the universe.

As time moves, as the world continues to turn each of us moves as well.  We are not meant to be static. We are not meant to wake up one day and say ok I’ve done it all, I’ve gotten it all right and now I can coast. There is no coasting in this life.  That’s not to say there are not times in which you maintain and just live because there certainly are. However each day that you have breath, each day that you go out in the world and experience it and the world experiences you, you cannot help but to be different in some way.  What I figured out from the conversation is that my way of thinking – the “by this time I should be this, have that and completed this” is very limiting. My age marker (or any type of marker) doesn’t allow me to honor the experiences that I have had, that have shaped me because the focus is on what “I have not…”  Thinking in this way is also limiting to the future, in this sense that I may miss some events, some people, some experiences because I am focusing on what “I have not.”

I want to be free of those markers, boundaries and limitations that keep me from moving. I want to learn from all of this life that I have lived and all the life I have left.  Is there something in your life, an expectation, a marker, a boundary that keeping you from living ALL of your life versus a limited one? What is it? Are you ready to release it?

 

I’m beginning to wonder if I need to change the name of this blog to The Health of Soulpower based on my recent adventures. This one though I brought on myself because I needed to know.

I have allergies and asthma.  They diagnosed the asthma as a child, the allergies as an adolescent. I was retested in my mid 30s at my request because it seemed like I was sick ALL THE TIME and my asthma had popped up after a 20 year hiatus (yeah you don’t grow out of it).  I believe my region of the country had a lot to do with my problems. Although I’ve complained loudly about this winter, for the most part, here in the dirty (Atlanta, GA metro area) we don’t have winters like the Northeast or Midwest (this year was a bit different). All that to say there are two things in particular that add to the allergy/asthma overall upper respiratory problems of our residents. 1)Stuff GROWS here all year long. We have trees and grasses and all types of budding flowering things here and 2)Pollution – Atlanta and it’s suburban sprawl is not real conducive to the utilization of public transit. We have transit, but not widespread and in fact, some of this transit is being cut (another story for a different blog).  The weather folks here tell you in the summer time if you are in a “sensitive” group (older, chronic disease, children) to keep your butt in the house during certain hours because the smog is so terrible. I listen to them trust me.

Allergies are funny that way…

Mine show up in the usual places, eyes, nose, throat, lungs and in the last two years, overwhelmingly on my skin.  When I moved to where I am now (a different county) I had crazy problems with my skin.  I said maybe this municipal water system has a little extra in it that my former didn’t. I tried to blame it on the water. I said maybe it’s dyes and colors? I stopped using blue products because I have breakouts form dyes before.  I stopped eating nuts for the same reason, skin reaction.  But the problems just raged on. I said it’s stress, its sweat, it’s this is that. I had all manner of treatment, including standing in an ultraviolet box twice a week, then once a week for about 3 months. That helped TREMENDOUSLY. However I was still have places that continued to give me problems, most notably my hands, my face and neck. I just pressed on. Using those creams and things the derms gave me when it flared up and going back to my normal routine when it cleared.  The back and forth was driving me nutty though because I’m thinking that there is still something that I am eating, drinking or using on my body that is causing this problem.

I went back to my allergist and requested some more tests. She concurred.  This time I got a prick panel on my arm plus 3 patch tests for the back.  The arms were for foods and praise ye the Lord the only allergy was to peanuts. The patch tests on the back were for chemicals and minerals.   The bad part is that two of those patches fell off, inspite of my best taping efforts. The good news is that one patch survived and I found out that I was allergic to adhesive tape (which I used on the one survivor) and four very common chemicals found in hair and beauty products. A sense of relief came over me as well as a sense of adventure. Once I got the stat sheets on these chemicals I went home and did a scavenger hunt and guess what I found. Just about EVERYTHING I use on my hair, face and hands had these chemicals in them.  Check out the photos at the bottom of the post, you probably have them in your bathroom or makeup back. <photos>

All that stuff is out of here. I’ve made three passes at product removal. This third pass included stuff I ignored plus stuff that I used to replace the other banned substances, now that one was frustrating.

Why am I sharing this?

1)You may be suffering too.  What I’ve found in all of these tests and my own research is that just because you weren’t allergic to it before doesn’t mean you’re not allergic to it now. Are you having symptoms after being exposed to a food, a chemical, or being outside? Then it may be an allergy.  Proceed to the allergist pronto (that’s an order). Sure you can do a lot of elimination and experimentation on your own but if you have access to healthcare, why not go and get tested. I wasted TWO YEARS going through elimination and experiments and pain and could have avoided it. Trust me, you want to avoid pain if you can. 2)Because I found out that my routine was WAY too complicated I really didn’t need all that stuff. My allergist told me something really interesting that made a lot of sense. She said in general, she didn’t see these types of allergies in men, but that they occurred overwhelmingly in women – because we slather this stuff all over us, HEAD TO TOE.  What really drove it home was what one of her male counterparts said when I was first administered the tests that allergy to substances was not common and from his viewpoint, he was right – not common for MEN.  So ladies and our skin pampering gentleman as well, all I’m saying is avoid getting “product” happy.  If you’re using something now, that doesn’t give you problems and you’re happy with it. Stick with it. Don’t go out and try the latest, fanciest, “breakthrough” it just might break YOU.

What is all boils down to is…

Keeping it simple.  In my quest to find a solution to the problem all I did was add to the problem.  The body is a beautifully and wonderfully made thing. It tells you what it needs and I know for SURE that it tells you what it doesn’t. Listen to your body, give it what it needs and not more. It will surely thank you.

P.S. and the chemicals are: Quaternium-15, Diazolidinyl Urea, Formaldehyde, Isothiazolinone and all of their derivatives

A great resource to finding what products has these chemicals and their derivatives and ingredients is http://www.cosmeticsdatabase.com/ 

 

I crawled into my bed on Friday, left it briefly on Saturday and got back in it until today. I wasn’t exhausted or anything as I had managed my time fairly well last week. I had the blues.  It started with money. Right when I finally have a drop of breathing room it looks like the axe is about to fall.  All manner of salary cuts, layoffs, unpaid days off etc, may be on the horizon and I’m not happy about it. The last 6 months or so I’ve actually been able to NOT think about money or how to get more or how to spend less. I could just live and I did and I enjoyed it. No I didn’t go on a vacation or buy anything extravagant. I’ve just gotten the things that I need.  I talk about that a lot here and where my inspiration came from but let me say that it has been hard and frustrating and scary.

I decided to leave my former husband during the gas crisis of 2008. You know when gas what topping out at 4.00 or more a gallon in some places. I went from paying half the bills of a household to paying all the bills of a household. I have some health challenges and they cost money. I had to make hard choices. I cried at the pharmacy window because I couldn’t get my medicine.  I won’t even put it nicely, it was a bitch.  Living a life of comparative austerity and I say comparative because as documented here before. I was all about excess, clothes, jewels, shoes and weight.  I knew that being on my own was going to be hard but it was something that I had to do and even with the economic downturn which my family had experienced a starting in 2006 and had only worsened by 2008 I went for it.  There were many lonely nights, many nights spent crying, many nights thinking, why didn’t it work and why is this so hard, and when am I going to feel better.

In the meantime, while I was trying to get over the love of my life, Bill was constantly begging for my attention—for my dollars.  Some jerks violated me and my home and stole  said jewels, computers and such and I thought it was too much too bear, but I bore it and pressed on because my own freedom was the most important thing to me.  Then the rollercoaster ride was over. I was able to get off and hit cruise control.  Now that the marriage wreckage was clear, the financial wreckage was clear I could breathe again I could let my fro down and let it blow in the breeze, but only for a short while.

Now back at Friday and the week of bad financial/job news and a lack of valentine , again (yes I’m mushy like that). I took to my bed for the pity party.  Why do I have to go through this financial ish again? Why is it always so hard for me and to be frank, why am I in the bed alone? Well there was a valid reason for that one so I could let that one pass but still I couldn’t help but feeling shut off and beat down. Plenty of crying and whining but no destructive behavior, outside of not eating enough. The time not spent doing the crying/whining was on the social media sites. Hell nobody could see me and that was a good thing.  Now you might be wondering what is she getting at with all of this foolishness?  What I’m getting at is—sometimes I get tired and I just have to bitch about it and get downright pitiful.

I’m not feeling pitiful today, I’m feeling much better and living in my normal state of foolishness and chaos and I’m ok with it.  My circumstances have not changed, the terrain ahead is rough and I know it. I expect that I’ll have a couple more meltdowns along the way but I see the beauty in the meltdown. The meltdown/pity party or whatever you want to call it is really a cleansing process.  During that process I can get out all that stuff that was building up, get my mind clear and get a plan together. Though the pity party starts with me on my own, I always have something or someone that comes in and helps me clean up. This time there were two. One will see this, one will not however it goes I want you both.

Feeling pitiful? Back up against the wall? Fed-up? Go ahead and have a pity party and get it all out. If it’s truly just the blues, you’ll feel much better when it’s done.

 

Note: if you have been in more than a funk (2 weeks or more)then I absolutely encourage seeking the help of a professional in your area, there may be services through your job as well that are free. 

Super Bowl XLIV is tomorrow. For football heads, NFL heads in particular the world stops for a day depending on how much of party you have with it. In general I don’t attend Super Bowl parties because I actually watch the game end to end.  This is year is a great one too. The Indianapolis Colts #1 in the AFC, representing my home state and the New Orleans Saints representing a city that I’ve lived in and loved for many years. Absolutely compelling, the Colts and the injury to Dwight Freeney, the future Hall of Famer (whom I refer to as my baby daddy J) Peyton Manning coached by Jim Caldwell, an African-American handpicked by the great former coach of the Colts Tony Dungy to lead the charge. The Saints represent a city and really an entire region that was devastated by Hurricane Katrina in 2005, a region which has been left behind and continues to suffer. The Saints have all the goods though, high powered offense, a stud QB, opportunistic defense and all. The game is going to be a great one and though torn I’m rooting for the Colts.

I look forward to the game, but am not in my usual state of hyperventilation in anticipation of it. I’m not fired up because in the end, it is a game. In the end the cities that each of these teams represents will continue to have triumph and to have struggle.  The thought of zillions of dollars spent to “put on” an event of the magnitude, the thought of the gazillions of dollars spent to advertise at the event knowing that there are people on the street right now who don’t have Doritos or BMWs, they don’t need Viagra and aren’t going on vacation. Folks need a home and a hot meal.  Oh and let’s not forget to mention that high level security, FBI and CIA type security in addition to local authorities are now required for a sporting event of this magnitude. Yeah the new normal is the ever present (supposed) threat of terrorism that will require fans attending the game to get there HOURS early to get felt up and have their bags rifled through. Yeah that’s really fun times.

I love football, really I do, I’m hoping that once the national anthem is over I will be ready to settle in and enjoy the game with the same fervor as I always do.  We know that however it ends some NFL history will be made.  When the game is over, and the endless analysis is done and we step back into the real world, let’s be a bit more mindful.  Love your people, love those who can’t help themselves, love yourself, love your higher power those things will always trump sports and in the end, those are the things that matter most.

Harassing my soul

I have a dear friend who has the most colorful use of language. Usually when you here colorful in terms of the way someone speaks you think of someone who does a lot of swearing but that’s not the case with her, it’s all in the phrasing and the descriptions. One of my favorites is when she speaks of someone who is really getting on her nerves, her last nerve she says that the person is harassing her soul. I love that and as such am going to borrow that. I don’t have people per say that are harassing my soul I’d say that there are conditions, events, thoughts and things in my sight that right now are absolutely harassing my soul.

The Economy

Is not something that I talk about much in the social media, web or any public space because I’m not an economic expert but I do work a job, I do contribute to the economy.  My work for the most part is alright.  I don’t have a problem with it what I do have a problem with is the relationship between leadership and individual contributors and the failure of leadership to take stock and take responsibility for all that ails this economy has me vexed.  There are few, but not many who take responsibility, admit wrong, or seek the counsel and ideas of the common/the masses of us who do the actual grinding to find solutions to overcome a crisis.  For the most part, the individual contributor is the first to bear the brunt of leadership failure.  In the economic climate we live in now, there is an automatic out.  Things just aren’t the way they used to be companies don’t sell, tax receipts are lower and offering plates are going wanting. So now expectations are lowered, salaries and benefits are lowered for those who remain workers in the economy and we are to grin and bear it, because in times as difficult as these we are fortunate and blessed to be getting a paycheck instead of an unemployment check.  The problem is that the economy is not exactly dead.  Capitalism is definitely not dead. We aren’t living in a barter system, we’re living in a C.R.E.A.M. system. Everything that you need to get and I mean need like food, gas, electricity, heating/air require cash.  Earnings diminish but the bills remain the same and even increase and the ends that you finally got to meet a few years ago have now fissured and are growing further apart.

There’s been studies/statistics  that show economic downturns often spur an increase in entrepreneurship. That may have been true during previous boom and bust times but not so much now.  The new normal is that individuals and families struggle longer, great ideas for new businesses are met with big fat NOs from big fat banks who want to hold on to their cash. I believe that in the new normal, some will not ever recover. What happens then?

America is the land of the free and the home of the brave, but as the economy continues to squeeze, as politicians continue to lie, as corporations continue to steal and demand more from their workers for less, our level of bravery is tested and our freedom really begins to not feel as such because our choices have narrowed.  We become limited, we become survivalists, we become bitter, we become something other than our normally creative, competent selves. 

I see how the collapse has affected me personally I see how it has affected my community and all indications is that the dip, recession ne collapse, is a runaway train.  How can it be stopped? How do we all get back on our feet?  Will those who haven’t fallen help those who have? These are the things that are harassing my soul.