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MsSoulpower


Totality

The Pajama Jam

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Where is she going? To a pajama party? No, she's probably going to Wal-Mart or the grocery store and to this I say STOP IT! 

As a a conservative (in style mind you) from a small town in Indiana, who was raised by southern parents appropriate dress was the order of the day.  Girls/young ladies/women were to wear dresses, hose and heels.  No see through stuff, no tight stuff no short stuff. Boys/young men/men were to have a proper haircut short or if afro neat and even, with shirt and tie or suit and shined 

shoes.  Restaurant outings, theater outings, concerts required the same type of gear - what was referred to as DRESS CLOTHES. Traveling by air meant comfort, but no jeans, warm-ups, tennis shoes, flip-flops or any of that sort.  If you didn't have to carry anything (which back then you could check it all for FREE) you might even wear -- DRESS CLOTHES.

So how did we end up with flip-flops and gym shoes at the airport, pajamas at the store, jeans at work and everywhere else?  For the work place there seems to be two schools of thought: an executive marketing campaign pushed by  Levis in the early 90s or the dotcom revolution shortly thereafter.  As a middle ager I experienced it first hand, suits dresses and hose were the norm in my first corporate job in the early nineties, this transitioned to business casual on Fridays (no jeans though), then to business casual four days with jeans on Friday around 2000.  Executive level personnel in some industries I worked in stayed with traditional business dress and others put their dockers and jeans on with the rest of us.  Business casual is also responsible for some of the most ridiculous personnel policies I have ever read.  Is it necessary to institute a policy that says no short-shorts or halter tops?  Well apparently so. I have seen all manner of ta-tas and fannies at work.  Should you really have to delineate that all clothing should be clean, pressed and free of holes? Apparently so, I have seen all manner of rumpled looking, straight from the bedroom floor to the body on men at the work place.  As for travel, the days of looking Hollywood are over.  9/11, outrageous fuel prices and jammed like sardiens airplanes mean you have to dress smart, meaning comfortable enough to get through security quickly and to be able to lug a carry-on plus one personal item and sit in a tight seat. Everywhere else, you might see anything.

Do I want to return to the days of old, dresses and hose for ladies and suits for gents? Not necessarily.  We live in a more mobile world, 24 hour world. Everything is done on the fly and personally I consider hose a necessary evil in winter, but what I'd like to see is folks making a little more effort. I mean you may be dressing for yourself, you may not care what anybody thinks because you are an INDIVIDUAL but guess what?  The rest of us have to look at you in your crumpled pajamas while we're shopping with you at Wal-Mart and we will post your atrocity on Facebook.

As for her? I think she can go to the grocery store now.  
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Up Again

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Insomnia is a bitch as noted on Twitter this morning, part of my mini rant.  Sleeplessness is not a new story but an old frenemy. What came out of this recent bout is new however.

For the second time this week and the third time in the last two weeks, I received the early morning wakeup call.  Last week, I woke up at 1:00, couldn't sleep and ended up going to the gym at 3:30 am and back to bed at 5:30 for a nap before work.  That's all I can remember of that day.  Tuesday it was up at 
3:00 am and back for a nap at 6:00.  This morning up at 3:00 am again.  I thought I might go to work (at job #2) but thought it dangerous and completely irrational to take to the road in this state of mind and sleeplessness.  As I ended the going to work debate and cracked open the laptop I started writing, about all the bullshit clogging up my mind. Two hours of writing and then I stopped. Looking at the issues on screen instead of ruminating on them over and over again in my head turned on the proverbial light bulb.  Sure they are bothering me, certainly a fixture in this pea brain of mine but they weren't what was making me wake up in the middle of the night.

Sounds trite, cliche even but it's my reaction or in this case non-action toward these issues that keeps waking me up. Yeah, it's all me and needless to say I'm pissed about it.

The crap writing, the writing about what was in my head lead me to GOD.  

 

Now I know what you're thinking--oh here she goes with her come to Jesus moment but hear me out.  In the whining I came to the conclusion that God is the only dependable being in my life, yet I have no expectations of God.  I mean how could I? Ain't nothing changed -- I'm still broke and pissed off and the prayed for help has not come.  At that moment I stopped writing. Some of these things are controllable issues and some are not.  What have I done to get a grip on the controllables?  After a cursory review, not enough.  What about the non-controllables? Well even on those there is something that I can do.

Let them go.

I can't change this stuff so why fool with it?  Letting go of foolishness that has become part of one's being is easy in theory and difficult in practice (at least for me). I've yet to master the art of letting go but am open to new practices that will allow this to happen.  In the meantime, I'm still awake and muddling through, focusing on the controllables and the rest?

I don't know.

Image from isomniaquotes.com , Brian Gardner

Not January 1st

I decided that my New Year didn't start until January 7, 2012 and here's why.

The Holiday Beatdown
I went to see my mother and sisters (and their families) during the Christmas holiday.  I love my mama and believe that she is a slice of heaven on earth.  She's the smartest person that I know, is absolutely hysterical, wise beyond imagination, and all that one would think a proper lady should be.  Yet, I feel that she's been dealt a bad hand.  The operative phrase here is "I feel" she doesn't think so and certainly doesn't act so.  She's one who takes all setbacks and problems in stride attacks them with zest and is the queen of "keeping it moving".  Yet seeing all that she does, all that she manages and all who are depending on her especially when she's not physically 100% is just upsetting.  What's also upsetting is that I'm in no position to come in and rescue her from all of work and problems.  Watching it all, trying to help and trying to change the situation proved to be frustrating and exhausting. My pops antics during Christmas (he lives in a different state) put the icing on the cake of what became a full blown depression during an occasion that was supposed to be joyous.  
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Home
There was a lingering issue back home that became magnified while I was away.  I could not hide my disappointment, nor stop talking about it incessantly.  This issue became the coffee to go along with the depression cake.

The Grind
The same old stuff that I left behind during the break was sitting right there on my desk and all my devices upon my return.  Everything was a rush, everything was critical and no one wanted to be held accountable for anything.  In fact throwing folks "under the bus" continued to be the norm and not the exception. Holiday cheer? Not where I work.
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Whiny
This may not seem like much to you dear reader and in the grand scope of things like joblessness, hunger and violence in the world, this may all sound like a lot whining.  In fact it sounds like whining to me as well, but I have learned as a person who's battled depression for well over 20 years, that whining can escalate in ways that can be harmful and even fatal.  In fact I read a post just the other day about someone who went missing over the holiday, I hope he emerged alive.  This person left behind a post that was in essence a suicide post -- that's what I mean by fatal.  Depression unchecked and untreated could take you there.  

Getting Over
After all the crying and praying and questioning about the circumstances above I started to make out a few things in the fog.  First, my mama doesn't need saving and I'm not the super woman to save her.  After separating the emotion of what I feel for her I was able to assess that she does need help but won't ask.  Though I cannot assist her in the way that I perceive I should there are things that I can do that are within my ability and currently available resources.  In addition what I thought I SHOULD be doing versus what I was actually capable of doing that was causing some of the upset.  I can only work with what I have and knowing that became freeing.  That knowledge freed me to offer to her what I can without tripping over what I can't.  As for my pops, what transpired over the holiday is not at all new, being emotional about it (me) blew it up into something that it clearly isn't.  He will be who he is and I'm going to love him regardless.

The home situation has not changed, I don't expect it to and am no longer expending any energy to try to change the unchangeable.  What is changing is the way that I think and feel about it.  Acceptance is what's operative here.  There is nothing and (trust me all possibilities have been exhausted) that I can do to make it different.  This is how it is and right about now, I'm beginning to feel alright about it and doing that again sets my mind space free to think on, plan on and work on other things that I'm now discovering are actually more important to me.

Work is work and this was the easiest of all to resolve.  I do what I do to pay the bills.  My employer is a big ship that cannot turn on a dime and I can't make it turn.  What I can do are my own best practices, regardless of what everyone else is doing and besides, there are now looking to be some options again in the marketplace should I decide to make a move.

The Landing
I ended up somewhere else, not depressed, but not riding my unicorn on top of a rainbow either.  Where I ended up was on the ground and I didn't get there until January 7.  Now that some clarity is in place I can do a little living.
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What about you? Did your New Year, look just like the old year?  Did you struggle doing the holidays?  Has that changed and what happened to change it?  Let me know in the comments.

(photos via my cameras)

#RESOUND11 High/Low

All my highs and one of my lows this year all relate to running.  The running year started off great.  My first out of state run for the year was in Hilton Head SC. The tree lined streets with a path specifically for runners, walkers and cyclists were so beautiful and peaceful.  I traveled for a race out of state, alone for the first time and it was also fantastic.  Although it was cold and cloudy it was still absolutely perfect at the Pensacola Double Bridge Run.  I set a personal best,  met some cool people and really enjoyed the time away from daily life. I also had the opportunity to run with my family in Arkansas for our innaugural family 3 mile.  Locally I checked out several new parks (all reviewed on thesoulpower.tumblr.com and ran my 13th Peachtree Road Race, which unfortunately was a low.  
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It was hot and humid and all of my preparation was for naught.  My time was slower than the previous year and for the very first time I had to go to the medical tent with heat exhaustion.  The medical staff was top notch and they got me back up to make the trek home.

My other low this year related to finance.  For the first time since college I had to take on another job to make ends meet and they still didn't meet.  With unpaid holidays, an increase in benefits costs, and car troubles even necessities have been difficult to manage.  Entertainment had to be saved up for and those trips I took -- were on last years money.  The financial situation has not improved but clearly I'm not starving, the second job isn't providing enough income so it's back to the drawing board.  I remain hopeful.

#RESOUND11 The Thelmas AND Louises

Now this is funny because while I thought that all I did was work this year, I did actually spend a little time with some very special folks like:

Sonya - my Soror who can break on anyone at anytime for any reason.  Hysterically funny and ridiculously smart and about to be a PhD.  She's a fantastic listener, a great storyteller and she inspired me to get my fitness situation in check with her fine self.

Dennise - my Carribean queen.  She is woefully late always but is somehow right on time.  She's always down and can party me under any table.  She takes care of me every thanksgiving since my family isn't here and I love it.  I don't have to eat turkey when I go to her home, I can eat all the curry I want!

Vickie - my Soror who is probably the most positive person I know.  She doesn't sweat the small stuff, or the big stuff either.  Her perspective is so ILL.  I'm trying to learn how to let stuff roll off me under her tutelage.

Pat - she will give you the shirt off her back literally and always checks in when I go underground which during this last year, has been often.  She's a helluva party planner/designer and has almost managed to get me to be more domestic.

Lewis - this chile is a BEAST.  I could be her mom, but I feel like her kid.  I have never seen anybody work, manage a family and everything else like her. She takes care of EVERYBODY. She's really incredible.

These are the people who are always down, have my back and are just too fantastic for words.

I JUST LOVE THEM!!!!!

The_ladies

 

#RESOUND 11 - Getting Started and Catching Up, sort of

First let me say I didn't discover this thing on my own.  I found out about the project on Google+ via +Danielle Richardson and +Jason Toney. Thanks for informing the uninformed masses.

Diving in LATE but better than never I guess.  Here we go.

ONE WORD - WORK

After thinking on this for two days, and worrying about the stuff that I missed at work today because I'm freaking at home and ASTHMATIC, I figured out that work is what dominated my world in 2011.  I didn't do any traveling, didn't really do a lot of fun stuff, because I was broke and had to work another job to make ends meet. When not working for money I was working for church, for my sorority or some other organization that I volunteer with.  The hardest work that I did all year long was work on me.  Broken spirit, broken heart and broken body all had to be mended.  Are they all at 100%? No but, I'm working on it.

If there could be a secondary word it would be exhaustion.

VICES - LAWD! For Real???

Not a drinker, smoker well a former smoker, well yeah I do have one.  I'm addicted to nicotine gum.  God I want to get rid of it.  Let me see what else.  I have a bad habit of over-committing and doing stuff that I know I shouldn't do like run outside through moldy leaves when I'm allergic as hell to mold (hence the asthma situation).  A procrastinator of the worst order who doesn't do stuff until it is absolutely mission critical and... ok that's enough.

VIRTUES

People move me, the human condition moves me.  I cry for people, I welcome people to cry on me.  My door is always open and if I can rustle up bail money I'll get you out of jail.  

THEME SONG
This is not a theme for the year, but is more theme for my life thus far. Perpetually looking for nirvana but forever landing in the throws of depression, this is really my dream, but guess what?  To get there send me right back to the one word - WORK.

 

Today's Observations

At the end of the day folks still want to make that dollar.  The NBA lockout is over so it seems.  I don't understand all of the details, but what I do know is that the people who work the arenas and parking decks will be working again and that's a good thing.  

Some folks will bless you regardless. Brother Pharmacist at CVS had just dealt with two folks who had a bazillion questions was absolutely pleasant and told me to have a blessed day.

Impatience and acting privileged is not a virtue.  I was waiting in line for a bagel for all of two minutes at Panera.  The lady in front of me started telling one of the sisters at the counter that the "math wasn't adding up" 5 people in line and one register open.  She proceeds to tell the shift manager to open another register who tells her, "the two ladies you see are not authorized to work the registers, they are up front as back up because the cashier is in the bathroom sick."  Now the way she talked to him wasn't necessary and she should have felt like a HEEL after he explained the situation it but she went on to FURTHER explain her point about how many people were waiting in line and asked the guy if did he swiped her card so she could get credit for her purchase.  This poor dude apologized to me when I came up and I said, dude I'm good and I really didn't get what all the fuss was for he agreed with an eyeroll and the bagel.  All of this is to say, treat service workers with respect, you don't know what they are dealing with. By the way, this occured in Johns Creek.  

I know I'm getting old because I got excited listening to the Optometrist's message saying my new glasses are ready. Then again anybody would if their existing specs looked like these.

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I'm so glad I was turned onto this. 

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I'd given up hope that I would ever dig brown rice. 

Haven't paid less than $3.00 for gas since perhaps January. Was able to do it this time via all the grocery shopping at Kroger.

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Finally I say a little prayer for my neighbor's boyfriend.  Fire and rescue were here to help him get his blood pressure down.

 

 

Stuck in Season

I can't say that I really have a block, I mean I'm doing it right now, what I can say is that I am woefully uninspired and ridiculously tired but it still tugs at me, this whole writing thing.

14 years ago, a time in which I was particularly "churchy" I was working a job but not loving it, having problems at home, having issues with life in general and was in search of a purpose.  Deeply into the Bible and Christian books I had just read a book by Myles Munroe called In Pursuit of Purpose.  I remember kneeling down on a hot summer evening in front of the bed and praying to God, asking what is it that you have called me to do? I didn't get any interference, feedback nor confusion, the answer that I received was writing.

Since that time I've written about God, football, running, politics and all manner of random things on several blogs.  Maybe too many, yet in the last few years, I have noticed that my productivity has declined dramatically and this year, 2011 has probably been the least productive of any year since that kneel down 14 years ago.

How did it happen?

I got caught up, in life stuff.  Trying to get the ends in the vicinity of each other, let alone meet.  Working a whole hell of a lot and playing very little and...

battling the ever present D (won't say it because I don't want to give it power) which at one point had me in such a tail-spin that I did not think I would breathe again.  All to end up right here in yet another season of discontent with my lack of writing productivity.  What I found out upon landing in this season is that the best thing to do to move forward is to make a move.  In this case, blather on about being a writer who doesn't write.  My hope is that this is a start and not a false one, to get me going again.

What do you do when you get stuck, when life happens and that thing that you love is tugging at you to embrace it again?  Let me know in the comments.

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photo via me

Observations so far this Saturday

#1 It's Cold In Here

During the overnight the furnace stopped working. Stepping out of bed was rough. No heat is an emergency here and the maintenance super came within 15 min of the call. He diagnosed the problem as a "blockage" and proceeded to give the furnace "mouth to mouth". He said sometimes that if the debris is small enough you can blow it out. I have never seen this so it was interesting to say the least.

It didn't work though.  He had to replace the blocked piece and it was toasty again within 10 minutes.

#2 Phone woes/wars

The Samsung Infuse is the most beautifullest, won't act right phone I have ever owned. Shuts down when it wants to, plays music when it wants to and generally gives crazy all the time. Basing on AT&T serves as dessert after lunch.

#3 Plantronics Backbeat Bluetooth Headset or should I say BROKEN BEAT

Product Details
For the last week that woman who is the voice of said headset tells me I have 7 hrs of listening time. After 20 minutes of playing music she says recharge battery. Basing on Plantronics is the afternoon snack.

#4 Didnt know but it's cool

Today is AMERICA Recycles Day. Having been distracted by, well you name it, I was pleasantly surprised to see volunteers at my neighborhood recycling facility.  So this is your chance, get all that stuff out of your house and recycle it - curbside, recycling centers, charities. Baby you have options. Skip the landfill, bless the earth, bless some other people in need.

My battery is going dead as I write this...

SMH.

Update I had to go to my laptop to complete posting.

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