This is something that I never thought I would see. Even in my most organized of times when I HAD to be because I had a family. This was an area in which I suffered greatly. That area is my desk.  I think I can lay a little blame though on the messy desk syndrome.

I’ve had a desk of some sort since I was probably eight years old. I have a great mom and maybe I haven’t said that enough, but I’ll say it here right now.  This woman started my first library and gave me my first desk which was a cute little beige number with I believe some gold trim. It had a hutch that sat on top of it to contain that first small library.  I loved the desk. Did all kinds of things on it that were not particularly “desky”. Like when I started painting my nails, nails were done on that desk. Clothes were housed on that desk and all other sort of miscellaneous items, to the point that the desk really wasn’t workable for its purpose, sitting down, reading and writing. What I didn’t know then and do know now is that I would have an on-going battle with the desk, which apparently is a long standing tradition.

In one of my other blogs I have a feature called “Daddy’s Office”. Daddy’s Office is about music but as referenced here it is about his desk, which was always atrocious, papers, everywhere, pipe cleaners (he used to smoke a pipe) an ashtray, zillions of sets of keys and all sorts of mayhem.  Every now and then while I was in the office, listening to music of course, that desk would distract me so that I would clean it, stack up the papers and get it into some sort of order. He would fuss (only a little bit), but I think he appreciated it because he desk organization skills were absolutely pitiful.

When we moved and I got my own room I got an upgrade. My sisters got the white desk. I got a bigger brown desk with the hutch of course, but it wasn’t attached, it was moved to a spot under a window were it was recessed and fit nicely.  Above that desk were pictures of Prince, a corkboard and school stuff. On that desk resided homework and books sometimes and junk most times.  My dad’s desk remained woefully junky and I continued to try to help him keep it together.  The next time the family moved I was in college and an additional desk entered a home after my departure. This one for my mother. She wasn’t any better. She is highly organized in every area but that desk. Again, atrocious.  Where she lives now, she has two desks, both of them are COVERED and have in my estimation a space probably letter size on both that doesn’t have something on it.  It’s crazy. My dad’s house has I believe three or 4 desks, all of which are covered. Oh I did forget to mention that in undergrad and grad I didn’t get any better. I had desks; I worked at them sometimes but mostly just let them catch clothes, papers and other items that again were not “desky”.  There was one place in between that I didn’t have a desk and as I recall, that was probably the cleanest place that I have in terms of paper and clothes control. But I digress. 

So through marriage, break up and all the rest, I had 2 desks and two tables that served as desks.  These desks always housed tons of papers, supplies and various computers, no clothes because I finally stopped having desks in the bedroom.  Right now I’m using a table because it turned out to be the size that I like and I’ve yet to find a desk that has those measurements to hold of course all those papers, computers and have area underneath to store more STUFF.

I moved last year to the spot I’m in now. Starting over from scratch.  I didn’t bring much but I did bring all of those papers, I didn’t really have time to do any sorting purging and such I just packed up and hauled. I wish I had, because this is what I ended up with.

I know this is REALLY bad. Every time I walked by, it drove me absolutely batty. I felt like not only was it an eyesore, clogging up my “office” but it was kind of clogging up my brain.  It was always on my mind but I just didn’t have the energy, the drive, the mental capability to tackle it.  Then in August of this year I decided I’d had enough. I’d pared down a lot of things, by accident and by purpose but that desk situation was the last stand or so I thought. 

I didn’t do a lot of consulting, I didn’t read much about what to keep or get rid of. I mean I’d done all of that research before. Read plenty of articles, books and blogs about it. I just buckled down and started chucking the stuff.  Getting through the mass of it was difficult but the actual parting of ways was pretty easy.  I didn’t get sentimental, I didn’t allow time for it I knew it would be counter-productive and that I wouldn’t make a change if I got hung up in sentimentality and I got it done.

This is what it looked like a week ago and it still looks like that.  I still don’t’ sit at it much unless I’m number crunching and I have to use a keyboard/keypad, however knowing that I can sit there at anytime without having to make a bunch of adjustments, without knocking stuff on the floor is absolutely satisfying.

I did learn some things from the process, some are repeat lessons or reinforcements, the first of which is I don’t need all of it.  There were papers in there that were totally irrelevant to my life right now. I no longer own the property it was attached to, the condition was treated, the event had passed, the information is old and no longer requires reading and so on. Secondly I learned that it’s best to really handle paper as soon as it enters the space. Mail goes to shred then recycle and some goes straight to recycle. The paper that remains, namely the few bills that still come via mail are paid within the week and once paid they are shredded then recycled. Thirdly, I found out that I’m not as sentimental as I thought.  Stuff that I feel like I want to remember and want a trigger for it, I take a picture of it and let it go.  Lastly and most importantly is that I learned that regardless of what I thought of my ability to function within chaos, I’m really not that good at it. I’m most effective in my space and outside of my space when things are decent and in order.

I still have some work to do. My latest loathing is for files.  I purged some and was going to keep the rest and get a file cabinet.  I’ve since decided against that and will get rid of (I hope 75% of the two boxes that I do have.  I still have a shoe problem and I carry way too many bags on a day to day basis. I believe based on the desk experience, that I can change my mind and change my habits in those areas as well.  Will it be work? Absolutely but I’m willing and now know that I’m able.

I know this was a long story about a desk, but I thought I’d share it because I’m sure there are others who have had this struggle, with a desk or a closet or some other area in your home in your life.  If this helps you in any way I’m glad, and if you’d like to share your story, I encourage you to share it. You might help someone else get free.

I had no intention of going here on this day but I am disturbed. I just came from church a while ago and once I walked outside of the sanctity of those doors I walked right back smack into the real world. At least the one that exists in the United States of America, which from what I see is more and more the Divided States of America. You know who I’m crediting with this division? The Christian Right.

I’m a person of faith, raised in the A.M.E. church.  A person who’s story is not uncommon. Once out from under the thumb of mom and dad, experimented. Looked at other faiths, didn’t practice anything at all and came full circle back to the faith of my youth, this time as a Baptist.  The circle that I arrived in that once seemed so beautiful and so full of love and peace upon my return to the fold or flock so to speak has become quite unsettling, remarkably disappointing and increasing vile and absurd.  The faith community specifically Christians are up in arms right now (as you know some literally so).  These Christians, the one’s whose claim is that Jesus is their Lord and Savior who died on the cross and rose again for their sins are some of the most faithless, evil and divisive folks I have ever seen.  These people don’t represent me; they embarrass, repel and appall me with this unseemly behavior, which is the outward of expression of what they really believe. You know the ones I’m talking about, the ones who don’t want their kids to be “indoctrinated” by the President of the United States by watching a web message to them which in essence speaks on the things that most parents talk about, stay in school, get good grades, work hard, stay focused and you can be a great contributor to society. These disrespectful people don’t represent me, nor do they represent Jesus, who looked more like Barack Obama than he did Glenn Beck by the way.  Oh yeah these same people are the ones who don’t want healthcare for all Americans and they want “their America” back from the abyss of socialism in which this President is about to take us.  What’s especially crazy about this is that Jesus, the name they call on, was a SOCIALIST.  He fed EVERYONE; the wealth shared with him was given to the poor, the widowed, the downtrodden and the otherwise outcasts of society.  His calling, his ethnic background did not get in the way of his doing the right thing for the people who needed it most.  This lesson, this essence of Jesus has been lost on the BIBLE thumping hate-mongers that have infiltrated ALL media. I say to myself surely GOD must be disappointed in what He sees, surely he must be, but I also believe that He knows that it would all come down to this.  The essence of humaneness is selfishness and self-preservation. God isn’t about that, Jesus isn’t about that.

As such this is a difficult time for the faith community and here I mean all faiths. Those who believe in a higher power, those who believe in self, those who believe in science because humans are showing their card right now and it’s not a card of love or peace or justice or freedom.  These are difficult times for a rebelleft Christian like me, who doesn’t believe in the dogma, doesn’t subscribe to the murmurings of the fundamentalists and in fact is probably so far left politically that I’m about to fall off the cliff.  That said I am as the old folks used to say “yet holding on”. My hope out of all of this mess is that those selfish cards can be put away, maybe even destroyed to never appear again.  My wish is that all of this foolishness would stop and that the purest part of each of us can come together to make it right, level the playing field and make it possible for all to prosper.  I’m “yet holding on” and asking you to help me. 

You know the saying knowledge is power? Well sometimes you’d think that I was a power hungry fool because my interest and thirst for it at times can be absolutely off the chart.  If I see some strange bug, I want to know what it is. If I hear a song that is unfamiliar to me but I like I will go to the depths to determine the artist. If there’s a topic or an issue that I want to know more about, you best belief that I will dive head first into that thing until I’m living it and can tell it to someone else with some level of authority.  When I meet someone I want to know all about them, where they’re from, where their family is from, what they do for a living, what’s their favorite song and any multitude of things you can ask about a person.  What is strange, and oh so contradictory about this seemingly endless thirst for knowledge is that the time and energy I spend getting to know and understand people and stuff, not a drop of that time is spent understanding and knowing me.

Now let’s be clear I am a middle aged broad that’s been around the block a time or two.  I’m well aware of my likes, dislikes and hot buttons. I know the situations in which I will feel most at ease and ill at ease. I know what my passions are and am working toward living the dream full time instead of dreaming the dream most of the time. Yeah I got all that down pretty cold.  What I can’t get down, what I avoid and what I most often press the easy button on for retreat and shut down is, why do I make some of the mistakes that I make? Why do I exercise such self control and restraint in some areas and function so chaotically or not at all in others?  The easy button answers: that’s just the way I am or I have ADD (or believe I do anyway) or this is just a weakness that cannot be changed.  My logical self says: if you would stop running around and avoiding and address these issues, think of how much better off you’d be as well as the people around you.  My soul self says, if you address these issues, you will find that peace and that freedom and that love that you desire.  My fearful self and this is the self that always wins, don’t go there, the boogey man is waiting for you and will take you out when you get there.

Where does this line of thinking come from? I don’t know for certain but I can postulate on a few things. 1)Crime and punishment thinking:  In terms of making a mistake, error in judgment or being dead wrong about an issue/person I’d rather issue the punishment to myself and keep it moving than really face up to why I was wrong, feel wrong or feel wronged. Issuing punishment without learning the lesson increases the chances of being wrong, feeling wrong or feeling wronged again. 2)Dishonesty: I fancy myself to be this truthful, straight up, just the facts person and I am to everyone, but me. I lie to myself all the time about how I really feel about a person/issue/thing, so much so that it becomes confusing and difficult to separate fact from fiction.  This may appear to be a good strategy in the short run (keeps everything tidy) but is not ever good in the long run.  Because when the truth does come out all hell can and usually does break loose and everybody loses.  Being straight up with myself from the beginning can either avert the hell or shorten the time spent there. 3)Keeping the screen actors guild card/Acting/Fronting: Who on earth wants to face up to their vulnerabilities, weaknesses, errors and mistakes. I sure don’t. Putting on the pretty face/strong veneer/cool as cucumber façade is way easier than having to deal with who/what you really are.  What horror it would be to find out that I’m really just squishy and soft and tired and in need of crying my eyeballs out to my mama.  As such I’m sure you’ve heard it said “sometimes you gotta fake it to make it” or some variation.  I’ve said it myself many times, but here’s the rub – you can get so good at faking it that you begin to repress what is really going on, and repressing that person who is really you.  You lose yourself, you become something totally other than self until such time that some event/person/thing snatches you back into reality at the most inopportune time.  Really 2) goes hand and hand with this one because the acting goes back to honesty. Why portray you or some piece of you?  When you can live the real you at all times, warts and all.  It may not be pretty to some folk, but guess what I’m not, nor are you pretty to everyone anyway. 

What is all this about? Well I talked in my last post about time and clocks and themes.  I had an idea about what my theme would be for this month but it really didn’t become clear until writing this post.  The theme for September 2009 is Evaluation.  In my case, it’s self evaluation.  Should self-evaluation be an on-going process? I think it absolutely should but sometimes (now for me) is the time for a much more keen focus on those items that I can’t seem to get right for whatever reason, without allowing for ANY EXCUSES.  I have an expectation that this will require work and that what I learn (good or bad) will be worth it and get me closer to that love, peace and freedom that are really the cornerstones of my existence.

Now for you... I’m not asking that you pick a theme for yourself, that may not be your bag, but I would take a gander that there are some things in your own life that you aren’t exactly comfortable with.  Even if you think it’s the wrong time to take a look at it, or you don’t have TIME to look at it, think again, this is about you. Why wouldn’t you have time for you?

I cannot tell you how much of a fan I am of Leo Babauta’s blog Zen Habits.  I started following him on twitter and subsequently reading his blog last year during a time of utter chaos. I was looking for a way/methodology/means to de-clutter my apartment which at the time I’d been in all of five months. I also was looking for something that would help me to be more productive as all previous attempts and methods had failed. I found methodology in his and his contributors writing but soon learned that it wasn’t all about the method and the system.  It was really more about the person using the method.  Going futher, I really understood that it was more about how you live and/or how you desire to live than it was about productivity.  That’s when the lessons he was teaching (yes I’d say he is teacher) really began to sink in.

Most recently two posts have really stuck in my mind. The one I’d like to talk here is “How to Live Without the Clock”, which caught my attention because time is something that I constantly struggle with.  My top time trouble spots are:

·         I’m always late (except for work)
·         Underestimating the time it takes to do something or get somewhere
·         Attempting too many tasks within a certain amount of time
·         Wasting time – I’m always doing something but probably not the optimal thing for that time frame and sometimes doing things that are not (in my mind) productive at all.
·         Not having enough time to get it all done.

So I dove into this particular post with zeal. Not to get an absolute solution to my time problem but to get an idea or ideas that would place me on a good path.  Here’s what I learned:

Clearly I have an obsession with a fair amount of anxiety about time.  As I thought about it, having this obsession and anxiety really didn’t make a whole lot of sense because time isn’t something that I can control anyway. Time will keep moving while I’m here and when I’m dead and gone.

Secondly, even with the obsession and the anxiety I’d already begun making amends with time in the form of realizing that I can NOT do everything and I certainly can’t do it all in the space of 90 minutes or less. As such, some meetings/tasks are dropped my schedule and are done so without guilt.

The third thing gleaned from this post is to pay attention, which I have difficulty with but when I do it makes a world of difference. I started paying attention to when I work most effectively and when I peter out.  What work excites me and what bores me to tears. Paying attention to those things is beginning to allow me to better prepare for stuff that I know is coming and stuff that drops into my lap on short notice without going into orbit over “how this is going to mess up my time”. That is a feat in and of itself.

One more thing that I particularly liked about this post deals more with methodology and that is setting a theme for the month as opposed to setting goals for the month.  This has eliminated a lot of pressure and a lot of negative “self-talk” because I’m no longer focused on goals that have not been met and more on the big picture.  For instance my theme for the month of August has been “Reduction” by keeping the theme in mind as opposed to the minutiae of the task list required to meet a goal, I’ve gotten closer than I have ever been to seeing completion.  Completion of what?  That’s in an upcoming post.

If you haven’t checked out Zen Habits before give it a whirl. I don’t know if I will ever achieve full enlightenment but I believe that this is a great tool for enlightening me and maybe you too on ways to improve the way that we work and ultimately the way that we live.

Two things that I say always: “people will be who they are” and “people will do what they want”.  I do not exclude myself from “people”. The quickest way for me to be reminded of who I am (maybe for you to) is when I go outside of who I am in order please someone or a group of someones.

This is how it usually goes down.  I’ve been requested to do some task that may require little or considerable effort. I do it because I don’t want to be considered unreliable, not a team player or some other non-flattering thing.  I don’t do it out of a personal desire to do so, but out of a desire to: get someone off my back, because no other sucker would do it, or simply to just make someone else happy.  Because I said I’d do it, I give it my best effort of course so as not to look bad and everybody is happy but guess who? Me.  I look back at the task/event or whatever it is and I say I can’t believe I allowed myself to get roped into that thing, I will not do that again. Yet, it happens again and again.  The question is, how do I/you/we get out of the lasso?

The first thing to do is STOP! Don’t spring into action, don’t open the mouth to give a response. Just stop, absorb the moment and the request. Next:

Think – is this something you’re really interested in doing? Will you get anything out of it? Now I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be charitable, or that you should give in order to get something back.  A lot of times the greatest joy you can ever get is when you give something and get nothing in return but thank you if that. What I’m getting at is that the thinking process should be centered around whether it fits in with what is important to you.  If this is not a REQUIREMENT and it truly is a choice then your decision should be based on the things, ideals, values that are important to you. Next:

Do you have the resources? Does it require money, excessive time, additional personnel, special materials? If the task requires these things then their availability or lack thereof have to be taken into consideration. Next:

Decide and communicate – A yes decision is easy to receive for the requester and easy to give if you’ve made the decision based on your values and ideals. A “no” may not be so well-received and may be just as difficult to say because of the possible ramifications, however this is about breaking the cycle of getting “roped in”.  Give the answer, communicate your reason(s) for saying no and accept the reaction.  You may not like it and that is okay, it’s not about liking everything or being liked really. Remember, people are going to be who they are, that includes you and me. What it is really about is being engaged in activities from which you can learn, grow and contribute.  Spending time on things that don’t fit your ideas because you don’t want to let someone down (so you think) leaves less time for what’s really important.

The choice is yours. Do you want to be roped in or engaged?

I hurt somebody. It wasn’t yesterday it was a while ago and there was nothing that I could do to make up for it in my mind. I apologized at length and did all that was asked of me, which really wasn’t much because my apology was accepted by the injured party and they moved on.  Moving on was so simple for them but Lord knows it was not simple for me.  I get a severe case of remorse when I’ve done something that is (or perceived to be by me) wrong.  I believe I must do all that is possible to show my repentance. I’m sure you’ve heard folks say “I’m my own worst critic” yes I’m that too but I what I really am is the Queen of Self Punishment.

I have written about the punishment situation (to myself), have talked about it to a therapist or two but don’t ever recall coming up with a scientific reason as to why I am a glutton for punishment [of self].  What I have realized is that there is a piece of me that believes it is unworthy of love, or like for that matter.  To slip and fall—to make a mistake proves that unworthiness in my mind which has resulted in a vicious cycle of bad choices made, accepting the unacceptable, and making do instead of prospering.

As I sat in church today the Pastor spoke from II Samuel 12:15-25 with the subject "Turning a Mess Into a Masterpiece". Before he talked about the mess that King David had made, he talked about the mess that Michael Vick had made for himself. He talked about forgiveness and how Vick had to first forgive himself for the wrong he’d done before he could pick himself up and move on. The whole thing was woven beautifully into the text and it got my heart pumping because I knew at that moment my time had come. It really didn’t make since for me to hold onto this particular thing and a whole lot of other “stuff” anymore because I had long been forgiven. The reason I had not moved on was because of my own defeatist thinking.  At once, I felt freedom, I felt power, I felt peace and I felt forgiveness instead of punishment at my own hand and I couldn’t feel anything but joy about it.

I share this with you because you too may be holding onto something, crying over spilled milk or punishing yourself for something that you’ve been forgiven for and that no one is thinking about but YOU.  How about turning the page on that thinking and not looking back? You can do that by closing that self critical eye, shutting down the whipping machine and forgiving yourself.  This might be the break/breakthrough knocking at your door right now. Open that door won’t you?

I got the letter that I didn’t want to get a few weeks ago from Gwinnett Medical Center. It said to contact the scheduling department for additional views. That’s right, I didn’t get an all clear on my annual mammogram, I had to go back. This isn’t the first time that I had to go back. The last time it was required they rechecked me and I was good to go. This time they told me to expect to stay a couple of hours and expect to get the results today, which shouldn’t have been a big deal.  However, it was a big deal this time around because the circumstances had changed.  I now had a family history of breast cancer.

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2007. My mother, rock that she is had the attitude of “let’s treat this thing and move on”. Yet I was inconsolable. My mama, the rock, the one who takes care of everyone and everything. My mama, who is THE caretaker for my stepfather (who has mobility issues and cannot speak as the result of a stroke four years ago), was stricken with a disease that I believed she just didn’t deserve. She was too good for it, she does all the right things, she’d been through all the bad times, these were supposed to her good times. It was surreal. Yet when I saw how she handled it I could do nothing but buckle up my chin strap and get over it. I had to let go of the fear that I might lose her and the guilt that I couldn’t be there with her as she went through her treatments. She was a champ, even though it sucked, even though she was sick and hurting most times she was not going to be beaten and on the days she felt good she hopped right back on the horse and went hard like she always does.  She’s cancer free now, an advocate and back to doing everything for everybody and then some.

So today was the day. My nerves were frayed and I had this crazy eye twitch all week long. I had folks praying for me, I was praying for myself. I went in and found out that they did see something in the left breast. So they would take the views and if it still didn’t look right, they would take an ultrasound. I got the views and sat down.  They called me, not to go home, but to get the ultrasound.  I made jokes with the technicians, to alleviate the fear.  I was hoping there was nothing, but I was already thinking about, how much sick leave I had, how long would this take, what treatment would I get, what could I have done to prevent it etc.  They reviewed the ultrasound once, checked again, reviewed again and came back to tell me that it was dense tissue, but no abnormalities. I was thanking GOD in a major way and came to a realization about some things.

First of all I spent a lot of time worrying about something that I had absolutely no control over. The tests were going to be done and there would be an outcome. I had no idea what that outcome would be and I spent the last week worrying about that and planning my funeral instead of living. In a word all of that was wasteful. Secondly I realized that going forward there are some things I can control, one is my wild imagination.  I’d certainly be better off waiting to get a concrete word than speculating and working myself into a frenzy. There’s some science indicating that stress can make you ill. Another thing that I can control is what I do to my body. Yes I have made some vast improvements but there is plenty of room for more. I can tighten up on my diet, stay consistent on the exercise regimen and most importantly perform monthly breast self-exams to get use to the feel and note any changes from month to month.  Finally I came to the conclusion that I needed be more educated about breast cancer especially after watching CNNs Black in America 2 and learning that black women are more susceptible to triple negative breast cancer than any other group. Cause for alarm, yes cause for education and treatment a definitive yes.

Overall, though this experience brought on a great deal of fear, I am thankful for it because it was a wakeup call for me. Play time is over, good health isn’t a given and that in order to have it I (and you) have to be an active participant in the process.  We cannot be ruled by fear, we have to be ruled by strength and power so that whatever the health crisis is, in this case breast cancer, we can be educated and be prepared to fight.

I was in the car thinking about something someone did that got on my nerves.  This soon snowballed into the top things that get on my nerves that other people do.  There are three that come to mind immediately.  First, I can’t stand having a conversation with somebody or attempt a conversation with somebody who cuts me off or uses their tone or volume to talk over me. When it happens I usually go silent and really don’t even want to talk about the topic anymore because of the rudeness. Secondly, along the lines of communication, I am annoyed to no end when someone calls and do not leave a message. .  Sometimes my phone drops my entire call log, i.e. I wouldn’t see a missed call. Then later when I actually speak to the person (who’s called back) I look like a villain for not calling back.  Finally, even though I get up early (earlier than I have in at least a decade) I’m still not a morning person. I do it out of necessity. So because my basic nature hasn’t changed, I won’t ever be one to be singing a happy song when I first wake up. Sure, I’m better than Oscar the Grouch and I’m really good if I get up and exercise first thing in the morning. Otherwise I’m at best average. Knowing this, I’m not really interested in hearing folks singing, laughing, cavorting or otherwise. I want everyone else to feel like they are being punished, same as I feel.  Since these things are the top dogs, I had to ask myself why do these things irk me so much? The answer didn’t take long for me to figure out, these are things that people do that I actually do or have done myself.

There’s a saying to the effect of “when you point a finger at someone, you have three fingers pointing back at yourself”. Yes I stand accused. Often times in conversation, my enthusiasm and desire to get my point across, boredom with the topic, or the desire to move on because I have an understanding makes me jump right in, mouth first. When people do it to me I go bananas. Then comes the self check—how many times have I done that to someone else when I should have been listening. Furthermore, what information, perhaps vital did I miss because I was so busy and ready to offer my two cents. I’ve spoken about listening before and it bears repeating. Listening is a skill, one to practice every day, in every conversation. If you’re not interrupting someone to tell them their shorts are on fire or a grizzly bear is directly behind them, then what you have to say can certainly wait.

I’ve told many a lame excuse about not leaving messages for folk. I had another call coming in, I didn’t feel like waiting for the beep, what I needed to say was so hot that I couldn’t leave a message about it etc. All of these excuses make ME the one that is important rather than the person I was trying to contact.  Not leaving a message says, “hey you weren’t available so why bother” Well “bothering” to leave a message shows a) that you know how to show courtesy and more importantly b)that the person you’re attempting to reach is of value to you. Their outgoing message is their representative. Talking to the representative is fine in the absence of the real thing.  Besides, if the person answered the phone, would you hang up in their face? No.

For me to really understand other folks joy in the morning, I had to have it explained to me.  The explanation went something like this. Folks come to work singing a happy song, laughing and joking because they may really be happy to be there or because they just left a situation at home that wasn’t so happy.  You see just because my home is good that may not be the case for everyone, so why knock them because they sing and you don’t?  That explanation made a lot of sense, because it forced as in the previous two examples to look outside of myself, to look outside of what was normal for my life and be considerate of others

In the end it really is all about consideration of others. Though we may all come together in one place, our perspective, our experience and our outlook can be vastly different.  Different does not equal wrong, different really represents an opportunity to learn and appreciate those outside of our own sphere and ideas and actions that are outside of what we think and do.

I went hard this week. I had a lot of work to get done on the grind and at home.  On top of that I weighed myself for the 1^st time in about a month. I gained six pounds. Needless to say, as a person who has struggled with weight for many years, I was about to have a hissy. So I hit the exercise front hard as well. Almost obsessively so, because I worked too hard to get where I am, and have a way to go still.

So now it’s Saturday, of course there is the endless task list to get through, plus I have visitation with my dog, this weekend, she needs tending to as well. I got a nap and hopped back to it. I was in the middle of washing dishes when it started, the sweating, the shaking, the heart racing. I wasn’t having a panic attack, I was relaxed (as relaxing as dishwashing can be), no I was having a medical problem.  I’m diabetic.

I found out about it in 2004. I may have written about this before, I haven’t checked the archives but I ask that you bear with me. 2004 probably wasn’t my best year ever. I was severely overweight and had been getting tested for diabetes for a few years, because it runs in my family. I knew that I was teetering on the edge, the doctor had told me so. When I finally got the news I was really, really upset.  I was put on a restricted diet of foods that I definitely do not eat and was told to take my medicine and check my sugar morning, night and two hours after every meal. In the beginning the medicine made me sick, I decided to chuck the diet after the first few days because I was starving and I returned to my regular crummy diet of too many carbohydrates. The pill taking got easier. My A1C normalized but I was still putting on weight (poor diet, lack of exercise and lack of a thyroid gland will do it every time). I was in denial about my condition. As long as my A1C was within range I didn’t care. I was a fly big girl and was determined to stay that way.

2007 was a watershed year for me. My eyes opened up to two major things, my health was in poor shape and I saw what was beginning to happen to people my age (41 at the time), they were dropping dead, from poor health, stress and broken hearts. Secondly I knew that my marriage was not salvageable. I thought it was, I wanted it to be because failure wasn’t an option and I didn’t believe in divorce but I had to let that go too. So I got started, making the moves to get myself healthy and getting myself out of a relationship that had gone way way way south. I got both of those things done over the next two years. How? I’ll discuss that in another post.

So I land on 7/18/09 an ordinary day filled with ordinary stuff to do. I’m washing dishes because they were piled high and the shaking began. I thought about it and realized that I’d had nothing since the cookies around 3:00 that day, it was 8:35. I checked my glucose and it was below what I call my safe area. So I ate. At first it upset me, I went into the why can’t I do stuff like everybody else? Why do I have this disease? Why, why, why? Then I had to check myself. I know how I got it, I’ve also had it long enough to know better than to go without eating that long, especially considering the week I’ve had. Then I became thankful. Thankful that I do know better, thankful that my body tells me when something is going wrong, and thankful that I was cognizant enough to do something about it.

Having diabetes, isn’t a picnic. I was reminded of that today, the blessing of having it is that it made me do the right thing in regards to my health.  Do I always do the right thing? Of course not.  However, I continue to work at it both physically and mentally because I’m not through here yet.