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MsSoulpower


Totality

The Pajama Jam

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Where is she going? To a pajama party? No, she's probably going to Wal-Mart or the grocery store and to this I say STOP IT! 

As a a conservative (in style mind you) from a small town in Indiana, who was raised by southern parents appropriate dress was the order of the day.  Girls/young ladies/women were to wear dresses, hose and heels.  No see through stuff, no tight stuff no short stuff. Boys/young men/men were to have a proper haircut short or if afro neat and even, with shirt and tie or suit and shined 

shoes.  Restaurant outings, theater outings, concerts required the same type of gear - what was referred to as DRESS CLOTHES. Traveling by air meant comfort, but no jeans, warm-ups, tennis shoes, flip-flops or any of that sort.  If you didn't have to carry anything (which back then you could check it all for FREE) you might even wear -- DRESS CLOTHES.

So how did we end up with flip-flops and gym shoes at the airport, pajamas at the store, jeans at work and everywhere else?  For the work place there seems to be two schools of thought: an executive marketing campaign pushed by  Levis in the early 90s or the dotcom revolution shortly thereafter.  As a middle ager I experienced it first hand, suits dresses and hose were the norm in my first corporate job in the early nineties, this transitioned to business casual on Fridays (no jeans though), then to business casual four days with jeans on Friday around 2000.  Executive level personnel in some industries I worked in stayed with traditional business dress and others put their dockers and jeans on with the rest of us.  Business casual is also responsible for some of the most ridiculous personnel policies I have ever read.  Is it necessary to institute a policy that says no short-shorts or halter tops?  Well apparently so. I have seen all manner of ta-tas and fannies at work.  Should you really have to delineate that all clothing should be clean, pressed and free of holes? Apparently so, I have seen all manner of rumpled looking, straight from the bedroom floor to the body on men at the work place.  As for travel, the days of looking Hollywood are over.  9/11, outrageous fuel prices and jammed like sardiens airplanes mean you have to dress smart, meaning comfortable enough to get through security quickly and to be able to lug a carry-on plus one personal item and sit in a tight seat. Everywhere else, you might see anything.

Do I want to return to the days of old, dresses and hose for ladies and suits for gents? Not necessarily.  We live in a more mobile world, 24 hour world. Everything is done on the fly and personally I consider hose a necessary evil in winter, but what I'd like to see is folks making a little more effort. I mean you may be dressing for yourself, you may not care what anybody thinks because you are an INDIVIDUAL but guess what?  The rest of us have to look at you in your crumpled pajamas while we're shopping with you at Wal-Mart and we will post your atrocity on Facebook.

As for her? I think she can go to the grocery store now.  
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Up Again

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Insomnia is a bitch as noted on Twitter this morning, part of my mini rant.  Sleeplessness is not a new story but an old frenemy. What came out of this recent bout is new however.

For the second time this week and the third time in the last two weeks, I received the early morning wakeup call.  Last week, I woke up at 1:00, couldn't sleep and ended up going to the gym at 3:30 am and back to bed at 5:30 for a nap before work.  That's all I can remember of that day.  Tuesday it was up at 
3:00 am and back for a nap at 6:00.  This morning up at 3:00 am again.  I thought I might go to work (at job #2) but thought it dangerous and completely irrational to take to the road in this state of mind and sleeplessness.  As I ended the going to work debate and cracked open the laptop I started writing, about all the bullshit clogging up my mind. Two hours of writing and then I stopped. Looking at the issues on screen instead of ruminating on them over and over again in my head turned on the proverbial light bulb.  Sure they are bothering me, certainly a fixture in this pea brain of mine but they weren't what was making me wake up in the middle of the night.

Sounds trite, cliche even but it's my reaction or in this case non-action toward these issues that keeps waking me up. Yeah, it's all me and needless to say I'm pissed about it.

The crap writing, the writing about what was in my head lead me to GOD.  

 

Now I know what you're thinking--oh here she goes with her come to Jesus moment but hear me out.  In the whining I came to the conclusion that God is the only dependable being in my life, yet I have no expectations of God.  I mean how could I? Ain't nothing changed -- I'm still broke and pissed off and the prayed for help has not come.  At that moment I stopped writing. Some of these things are controllable issues and some are not.  What have I done to get a grip on the controllables?  After a cursory review, not enough.  What about the non-controllables? Well even on those there is something that I can do.

Let them go.

I can't change this stuff so why fool with it?  Letting go of foolishness that has become part of one's being is easy in theory and difficult in practice (at least for me). I've yet to master the art of letting go but am open to new practices that will allow this to happen.  In the meantime, I'm still awake and muddling through, focusing on the controllables and the rest?

I don't know.

Image from isomniaquotes.com , Brian Gardner

Not January 1st

I decided that my New Year didn't start until January 7, 2012 and here's why.

The Holiday Beatdown
I went to see my mother and sisters (and their families) during the Christmas holiday.  I love my mama and believe that she is a slice of heaven on earth.  She's the smartest person that I know, is absolutely hysterical, wise beyond imagination, and all that one would think a proper lady should be.  Yet, I feel that she's been dealt a bad hand.  The operative phrase here is "I feel" she doesn't think so and certainly doesn't act so.  She's one who takes all setbacks and problems in stride attacks them with zest and is the queen of "keeping it moving".  Yet seeing all that she does, all that she manages and all who are depending on her especially when she's not physically 100% is just upsetting.  What's also upsetting is that I'm in no position to come in and rescue her from all of work and problems.  Watching it all, trying to help and trying to change the situation proved to be frustrating and exhausting. My pops antics during Christmas (he lives in a different state) put the icing on the cake of what became a full blown depression during an occasion that was supposed to be joyous.  
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Home
There was a lingering issue back home that became magnified while I was away.  I could not hide my disappointment, nor stop talking about it incessantly.  This issue became the coffee to go along with the depression cake.

The Grind
The same old stuff that I left behind during the break was sitting right there on my desk and all my devices upon my return.  Everything was a rush, everything was critical and no one wanted to be held accountable for anything.  In fact throwing folks "under the bus" continued to be the norm and not the exception. Holiday cheer? Not where I work.
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Whiny
This may not seem like much to you dear reader and in the grand scope of things like joblessness, hunger and violence in the world, this may all sound like a lot whining.  In fact it sounds like whining to me as well, but I have learned as a person who's battled depression for well over 20 years, that whining can escalate in ways that can be harmful and even fatal.  In fact I read a post just the other day about someone who went missing over the holiday, I hope he emerged alive.  This person left behind a post that was in essence a suicide post -- that's what I mean by fatal.  Depression unchecked and untreated could take you there.  

Getting Over
After all the crying and praying and questioning about the circumstances above I started to make out a few things in the fog.  First, my mama doesn't need saving and I'm not the super woman to save her.  After separating the emotion of what I feel for her I was able to assess that she does need help but won't ask.  Though I cannot assist her in the way that I perceive I should there are things that I can do that are within my ability and currently available resources.  In addition what I thought I SHOULD be doing versus what I was actually capable of doing that was causing some of the upset.  I can only work with what I have and knowing that became freeing.  That knowledge freed me to offer to her what I can without tripping over what I can't.  As for my pops, what transpired over the holiday is not at all new, being emotional about it (me) blew it up into something that it clearly isn't.  He will be who he is and I'm going to love him regardless.

The home situation has not changed, I don't expect it to and am no longer expending any energy to try to change the unchangeable.  What is changing is the way that I think and feel about it.  Acceptance is what's operative here.  There is nothing and (trust me all possibilities have been exhausted) that I can do to make it different.  This is how it is and right about now, I'm beginning to feel alright about it and doing that again sets my mind space free to think on, plan on and work on other things that I'm now discovering are actually more important to me.

Work is work and this was the easiest of all to resolve.  I do what I do to pay the bills.  My employer is a big ship that cannot turn on a dime and I can't make it turn.  What I can do are my own best practices, regardless of what everyone else is doing and besides, there are now looking to be some options again in the marketplace should I decide to make a move.

The Landing
I ended up somewhere else, not depressed, but not riding my unicorn on top of a rainbow either.  Where I ended up was on the ground and I didn't get there until January 7.  Now that some clarity is in place I can do a little living.
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What about you? Did your New Year, look just like the old year?  Did you struggle doing the holidays?  Has that changed and what happened to change it?  Let me know in the comments.

(photos via my cameras)
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