Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

MsSoulpower


Totality

They Wouldn't Let Me

I'm on the way to handle my business.  There's a meeting tonight, the general election is Tuesday and there are many things to do and a guest had been invited.  Then it happened, I heard the "Ding Ding Ding" and for the first time ever I saw smoke.

The F Bombs were dropped.

I almost hit another car trying to pull over to the gas station to address the issue.  The car, again, this can NOT be happening but it happened.  The car that I almost hit with to young sistas in it pulled up next to me and asked if I was alright, they didn't even mention I'd almost hit them. I said, I was fine, the car not so much.  This young lady said her car was doing the same thing. She gave me a full bottle of antifreeze, told me to be careful and went on their way.

I smiled.

Then I called my favorite team, described the problem, took pictures, took the advice and headed back towards home.  Less than a mile away, the smoked returned. I pulled over

More bombs.  Then the phone rang.

We talked and whenever we do, even when we're talking about bad stuff, her spirit makes it better. She offered a ride, I accepted, canceled my other ride (who was going way out of their way for me) restarted and made it to my doorstep, thank God.  

I poured wine.

Ready to drown my sorrows in a Riesling, I'm thinking, I just dropped a chunk of dough LAST WEEK, how will I pay my bills, how will I go to see my mama, HOW HOW HOW, WHY ME LAWD!!!!! The phone rang, it was home.

We had not talked in a while. My sister said "turn to the game, sometimes you have to get your mind on something else when you're having problems" -- good move. There was a guy on ESPN who had attempted suicide, followed by break dancing.  We talked a good long while, I laughed hard and listened to my niece and her boundless energy in the background.

and it was good.

The car, is broken down AGAIN, I don't know how it's going to be paid for AGAIN but here's a few things that I do know.

The most beautifullest thing in this world... can be a stranger that comes to your aid, in a time of need.
There are some whose spirit can bring light into the darkest of places.  Let their line shine forever.
Some folks have the patience of Job, in circumstances of upheaval they are cool as a cucumber.  There is one, who's been like a brother to me, I appreciate it.
Some marriages are made in heaven, it's beautiful to see in people that I know.

and...
I missed my sister.

None of these folks let me down, none of them let me sink.  They didn't know it then, but I hope they know now they all caught me when I was falling.
Trustfall

The Air Up There

They say that Libra is an air sign.  On a visceral level this makes sense to me.  Air is of the utmost importance to me.  I have often described times that I've felt pressure, felt uncomfortable or felt dissatisfied as times in which I can not breathe.  I am there right now, this I know for sure.

Change is not comfortable always, change is unsettling sometimes, yet it can be a good thing.  My lack of air, indicates that it is time to transition to the next phase.  What I wanted to do was catch my breath a little while longer.  Some things have happened, some overwhelming things, some things that I did not know while I was in the midst o them that I would ever be able to shake.  I have been depressed, I have been beyond angry, I have been sad and then I found my cloud.

I rested on that cloud, I played on that cloud, I found my smile again and I heard my song.  I floated on it, I enjoyed the rarefied air, and found my happy place, my chi, my zen state of mind.  When its that good, you don't ever want to leave.  Life has a funny way though of bringing you back down to earth. I would have loved to have floated down, but it seems that I have crash landed, and that is ok.

What I learned while I was on the cloud, was some perspective.  From high up, all those things that were troubling, all those things that were larger than life, looked really small from way up high. Upon crashing to earth, I find that all those things really are small and some of them no longer exist.  The cloud also gave me some clarity.  While away from it all I was able to see events and things and people exactly as they are, not as I wish them to be. Back down here on the ground, I see that things have not changed and that some things are and will forever be outside of my realm of influence and I can accept that.  

Being back on the ground with perspective and clarity makes the shortage of air all the more noticeable.  I don't have to ponder the reasons why I can't breathe, what I can do, what I must do is move to the next place.  A place where I can breathe.
 

 

Moving On

You may as well say that I ran here, considering it's location, no one in their right mind would pick it but whose to say I was in my right mind in the first place. I was 41 years old, starting over again and went for the first place with a big closet and a gas stove.  I had big plans too.  I was going to pick up painting again, write my first book and make it a man FREE zone.  None of those things happened, though I did make a few attempts at the book and started one painting.  What did happen was many things, both wonderful and terrible and it is because of the terrible that I have to go.

I'm not going far at all, just to a safer more visible spot, but just the same I'm moving, I loathe it.  The packing, the aching muscles, coordinating utilities, assembling a proper crew, is all a bit much for a middle age broad to deal with, but I am dealing, with some sadness.

For a moment last night, I felt deeply depressed, I only allowed a moment because there is so much work to do, however that all too familiar feeling was there.  Part of it was a sense that I'd been defeated. Defeated by those who chose to invade.  I felt as though, they won.  They forced me to abandon ship, even though abandoning ship in this case is absolutely the best thing to do.  I felt as though I'd missed the mark, in particular the book that was never written.  How does a person who is supposed to be a writer, not have at least one book under their belt, especially at my age. Finally I felt incredibly alone.  Don't get me wrong, I have received incredible help, I have a crew for moving day and things are set, yet I felt alone, I am alone.

I'm not one who is afraid of change, when it is for good, I'm positively for it. I know that this change is good, this change is not a big one, at all, it's just not one that I was prepared to make.  Hence the resistance.

When faced with situations of change in which we feel we have no control, or have some control but aren't quite ready, we begin to FEEL things, in my case it was depression, for some, it is confusion or loss or anger.  Whatever the case may be, it is important to acknowledge the feeling(s), view it for what it is -- a feeling and move on with the change at hand.  Though it may not feel good, the feeling is not what is important, what is important is the way that we choose to respond to the change.  If it's going to happen, regardless of all efforts to block it, it's best to accept it, keep it moving and look for the positive in the change.

I'm moving on, is it time for you to do the same?

Grateful

I started working on this piece a few days ago but wasn’t quite in the right frame of mind to do so. I am now.

 

My 44th birthday was on October 2.  Lord knows that there have been many times that I didn’t think I would see it, there were times that I didn’t think I deserved to see it and still others where frankly I didn’t want to see it.  At the end of the day, what I wanted really didn’t matter, what I got for 44 and the week leading up to it was more than I could ask for.

 

With trauma, there came rescue.

With tears, there came comfort.

With rants, there came listening ears.

With needs, there came fulfillment.

 

I don’t think that I deserve anything. I’m not special, just another one of God’s children.  This week, he showed me that his hand is on me and what was meant for bad, much good can come forth.

 

This week, each and every one of you who: watched me go into ORBIT over this drama and let me get it off my chest, who sent me a kind word to stop the bleeding, rescued me in a time of trouble, wished me a Happy Birthday, and showed me love in your own special way please know this:

 

If this were the last line that I ever write, I just want all of you to know that, I thank you, I appreciate and love you. I am grateful.


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