You know the saying knowledge is power? Well sometimes you’d think that I was a power hungry fool because my interest and thirst for it at times can be absolutely off the chart.  If I see some strange bug, I want to know what it is. If I hear a song that is unfamiliar to me but I like I will go to the depths to determine the artist. If there’s a topic or an issue that I want to know more about, you best belief that I will dive head first into that thing until I’m living it and can tell it to someone else with some level of authority.  When I meet someone I want to know all about them, where they’re from, where their family is from, what they do for a living, what’s their favorite song and any multitude of things you can ask about a person.  What is strange, and oh so contradictory about this seemingly endless thirst for knowledge is that the time and energy I spend getting to know and understand people and stuff, not a drop of that time is spent understanding and knowing me.

Now let’s be clear I am a middle aged broad that’s been around the block a time or two.  I’m well aware of my likes, dislikes and hot buttons. I know the situations in which I will feel most at ease and ill at ease. I know what my passions are and am working toward living the dream full time instead of dreaming the dream most of the time. Yeah I got all that down pretty cold.  What I can’t get down, what I avoid and what I most often press the easy button on for retreat and shut down is, why do I make some of the mistakes that I make? Why do I exercise such self control and restraint in some areas and function so chaotically or not at all in others?  The easy button answers: that’s just the way I am or I have ADD (or believe I do anyway) or this is just a weakness that cannot be changed.  My logical self says: if you would stop running around and avoiding and address these issues, think of how much better off you’d be as well as the people around you.  My soul self says, if you address these issues, you will find that peace and that freedom and that love that you desire.  My fearful self and this is the self that always wins, don’t go there, the boogey man is waiting for you and will take you out when you get there.

Where does this line of thinking come from? I don’t know for certain but I can postulate on a few things. 1)Crime and punishment thinking:  In terms of making a mistake, error in judgment or being dead wrong about an issue/person I’d rather issue the punishment to myself and keep it moving than really face up to why I was wrong, feel wrong or feel wronged. Issuing punishment without learning the lesson increases the chances of being wrong, feeling wrong or feeling wronged again. 2)Dishonesty: I fancy myself to be this truthful, straight up, just the facts person and I am to everyone, but me. I lie to myself all the time about how I really feel about a person/issue/thing, so much so that it becomes confusing and difficult to separate fact from fiction.  This may appear to be a good strategy in the short run (keeps everything tidy) but is not ever good in the long run.  Because when the truth does come out all hell can and usually does break loose and everybody loses.  Being straight up with myself from the beginning can either avert the hell or shorten the time spent there. 3)Keeping the screen actors guild card/Acting/Fronting: Who on earth wants to face up to their vulnerabilities, weaknesses, errors and mistakes. I sure don’t. Putting on the pretty face/strong veneer/cool as cucumber façade is way easier than having to deal with who/what you really are.  What horror it would be to find out that I’m really just squishy and soft and tired and in need of crying my eyeballs out to my mama.  As such I’m sure you’ve heard it said “sometimes you gotta fake it to make it” or some variation.  I’ve said it myself many times, but here’s the rub – you can get so good at faking it that you begin to repress what is really going on, and repressing that person who is really you.  You lose yourself, you become something totally other than self until such time that some event/person/thing snatches you back into reality at the most inopportune time.  Really 2) goes hand and hand with this one because the acting goes back to honesty. Why portray you or some piece of you?  When you can live the real you at all times, warts and all.  It may not be pretty to some folk, but guess what I’m not, nor are you pretty to everyone anyway. 

What is all this about? Well I talked in my last post about time and clocks and themes.  I had an idea about what my theme would be for this month but it really didn’t become clear until writing this post.  The theme for September 2009 is Evaluation.  In my case, it’s self evaluation.  Should self-evaluation be an on-going process? I think it absolutely should but sometimes (now for me) is the time for a much more keen focus on those items that I can’t seem to get right for whatever reason, without allowing for ANY EXCUSES.  I have an expectation that this will require work and that what I learn (good or bad) will be worth it and get me closer to that love, peace and freedom that are really the cornerstones of my existence.

Now for you... I’m not asking that you pick a theme for yourself, that may not be your bag, but I would take a gander that there are some things in your own life that you aren’t exactly comfortable with.  Even if you think it’s the wrong time to take a look at it, or you don’t have TIME to look at it, think again, this is about you. Why wouldn’t you have time for you?