I hurt somebody. It wasn’t yesterday it was a while ago and there was nothing that I could do to make up for it in my mind. I apologized at length and did all that was asked of me, which really wasn’t much because my apology was accepted by the injured party and they moved on.  Moving on was so simple for them but Lord knows it was not simple for me.  I get a severe case of remorse when I’ve done something that is (or perceived to be by me) wrong.  I believe I must do all that is possible to show my repentance. I’m sure you’ve heard folks say “I’m my own worst critic” yes I’m that too but I what I really am is the Queen of Self Punishment.

I have written about the punishment situation (to myself), have talked about it to a therapist or two but don’t ever recall coming up with a scientific reason as to why I am a glutton for punishment [of self].  What I have realized is that there is a piece of me that believes it is unworthy of love, or like for that matter.  To slip and fall—to make a mistake proves that unworthiness in my mind which has resulted in a vicious cycle of bad choices made, accepting the unacceptable, and making do instead of prospering.

As I sat in church today the Pastor spoke from II Samuel 12:15-25 with the subject "Turning a Mess Into a Masterpiece". Before he talked about the mess that King David had made, he talked about the mess that Michael Vick had made for himself. He talked about forgiveness and how Vick had to first forgive himself for the wrong he’d done before he could pick himself up and move on. The whole thing was woven beautifully into the text and it got my heart pumping because I knew at that moment my time had come. It really didn’t make since for me to hold onto this particular thing and a whole lot of other “stuff” anymore because I had long been forgiven. The reason I had not moved on was because of my own defeatist thinking.  At once, I felt freedom, I felt power, I felt peace and I felt forgiveness instead of punishment at my own hand and I couldn’t feel anything but joy about it.

I share this with you because you too may be holding onto something, crying over spilled milk or punishing yourself for something that you’ve been forgiven for and that no one is thinking about but YOU.  How about turning the page on that thinking and not looking back? You can do that by closing that self critical eye, shutting down the whipping machine and forgiving yourself.  This might be the break/breakthrough knocking at your door right now. Open that door won’t you?