Sometimes you just don’t understand what is going on. Sometimes you’re just not meant to.  After spending over a month trying to figure out a situation, I decided to run away from home.

I haven’t been on a vacation since 2002.  I mean a real vacation, not a conference, not going home to see the family or anything like that I mean a vacation, where you can be a tourist, or lay around and do nothing.  An opportunity came my way, and seeing that I was SAD AS HELL, sliding quickly into a depression, in which nothing seemed to remedy, I decided what the hell, I will go maybe I can find a little peace in the midst of the storm that I was going through.  That decision was made within 24 hours of the offer, and was made in the face of FEAR based on lame excuses as lame as could be.

While I was away, I found that my heart was on my sleeve. The feelings were saw raw and so near the surface that while speaking to someone that I’d only recently met, tears began to stream down my face.  I was pissed that it happened, but I did nothing to stop it from happening, because apparently it was what I needed to do.  Fortunately, this person, is highly evolved, understanding and someone that I can now count as a friend for sitting there, without judgment, without advice, nor recommendation, they let me do it and alas I felt the chains begin to loosen.

While away I had plenty of time to think and that is all.  Of course I’m thinking all the time but that thinking is in the midst of multi-tasking. This time I got to lie in the sun, no music, no books, no tv and absolutely, positively unwired, I was able to (as Keith Murray once said, let my mind unfurl).  There were more tears on the trip, but I left them there, in the dark while staring up at the moon alone.

I figured out that there’s nothing that I can do about the situation.  I figured out that I’d spent a considerable amount of time, not living, just going through the motions and even faking it in order to get by while my brain was flipping and my soul was crumbling. I figured out that, I only have a finite amount of time to spend here on this earth and the time spent in sorrow, anger, anguish, despair and depression, was time that I would not ever see again.

I asked myself the question, perhaps you have asked it as well.  If this were my last day, would I say that I spent it in the best possible manner that I could.  The answer on that last day of tears was no.  I figured out right then that if I had another chance, that I would not spend it thinking about or grieving over things that I had no control over – things that I could not change. I decided that I would spend time each day appreciating all that I had, instead of lamenting what I did not have.  I decided that I would purposely look for beauty in the midst of all things ugly. I decided that it was time to stop going through the motions of live and start living it without fear, without regret, without lamentation.

Won’t you make the same decision today?