Not January 1st
I decided that my New Year didn't start until January 7, 2012 and here's why.
The Holiday Beatdown
I went to see my mother and sisters (and their families) during the Christmas holiday. I love my mama and believe that she is a slice of heaven on earth. She's the smartest person that I know, is absolutely hysterical, wise beyond imagination, and all that one would think a proper lady should be. Yet, I feel that she's been dealt a bad hand. The operative phrase here is "I feel" she doesn't think so and certainly doesn't act so. She's one who takes all setbacks and problems in stride attacks them with zest and is the queen of "keeping it moving". Yet seeing all that she does, all that she manages and all who are depending on her especially when she's not physically 100% is just upsetting. What's also upsetting is that I'm in no position to come in and rescue her from all of work and problems. Watching it all, trying to help and trying to change the situation proved to be frustrating and exhausting. My pops antics during Christmas (he lives in a different state) put the icing on the cake of what became a full blown depression during an occasion that was supposed to be joyous.
Home
There was a lingering issue back home that became magnified while I was away. I could not hide my disappointment, nor stop talking about it incessantly. This issue became the coffee to go along with the depression cake.
The Grind
The same old stuff that I left behind during the break was sitting right there on my desk and all my devices upon my return. Everything was a rush, everything was critical and no one wanted to be held accountable for anything. In fact throwing folks "under the bus" continued to be the norm and not the exception. Holiday cheer? Not where I work.
Whiny
This may not seem like much to you dear reader and in the grand scope of things like joblessness, hunger and violence in the world, this may all sound like a lot whining. In fact it sounds like whining to me as well, but I have learned as a person who's battled depression for well over 20 years, that whining can escalate in ways that can be harmful and even fatal. In fact I read a post just the other day about someone who went missing over the holiday, I hope he emerged alive. This person left behind a post that was in essence a suicide post -- that's what I mean by fatal. Depression unchecked and untreated could take you there.
Getting Over
After all the crying and praying and questioning about the circumstances above I started to make out a few things in the fog. First, my mama doesn't need saving and I'm not the super woman to save her. After separating the emotion of what I feel for her I was able to assess that she does need help but won't ask. Though I cannot assist her in the way that I perceive I should there are things that I can do that are within my ability and currently available resources. In addition what I thought I SHOULD be doing versus what I was actually capable of doing that was causing some of the upset. I can only work with what I have and knowing that became freeing. That knowledge freed me to offer to her what I can without tripping over what I can't. As for my pops, what transpired over the holiday is not at all new, being emotional about it (me) blew it up into something that it clearly isn't. He will be who he is and I'm going to love him regardless.
The home situation has not changed, I don't expect it to and am no longer expending any energy to try to change the unchangeable. What is changing is the way that I think and feel about it. Acceptance is what's operative here. There is nothing and (trust me all possibilities have been exhausted) that I can do to make it different. This is how it is and right about now, I'm beginning to feel alright about it and doing that again sets my mind space free to think on, plan on and work on other things that I'm now discovering are actually more important to me.
Work is work and this was the easiest of all to resolve. I do what I do to pay the bills. My employer is a big ship that cannot turn on a dime and I can't make it turn. What I can do are my own best practices, regardless of what everyone else is doing and besides, there are now looking to be some options again in the marketplace should I decide to make a move.
The Landing
I ended up somewhere else, not depressed, but not riding my unicorn on top of a rainbow either. Where I ended up was on the ground and I didn't get there until January 7. Now that some clarity is in place I can do a little living.
What about you? Did your New Year, look just like the old year? Did you struggle doing the holidays? Has that changed and what happened to change it? Let me know in the comments.
(photos via my cameras)
