I tried and tried and tried and tried to make it work. You heard that, I tried, because I believe that my spouse did not, given the circumstances if that was trying then I must be the Queen of England and we know that’s not true. At any rate the time has come to wrap it up. I took the baby steps now it’s time to take the leap get the signature and get it in.  I know I’m ready, I know this is what I want and I know that this is the best thing for me, can’t really be worried about whether it’s the best thing for him at this point, I spent an entire marriage worrying about him, what he thought, how he felt, how to hold it down for him and how to hold it down for the family. Well after having the discussion about signing the papers, tears came to my eyes at a most inappropriate time at a most inappropriate place.  This was so unexpected and caught me completely off guard. The next thing you know I’m cursing myself for letting it happen, you see I’m a control freak.

I’ve read a lot about surrender, letting go and letting God and all of that. I’ve heard this type of talk from people for a long time, you have to surrender to the situation, surrender to your feelings, get it out, you’ll feel better and all that.  Surrender in my mind has always been equated to defeat, surrender in my mind has always equated to giving up power to something or someone outside of self.  That’s just not me, my dukes are always up, I’m always fighting to protect me and mine, that’s part of the reason why I stayed married as long as I did, I just didn’t want to go down without fighting for it.  Leaving was my first surrender and it was a rough one, but it had to be done because what I saw was that I really had lost my power, I had ceded control of my emotions to something other than me, they weren’t controlled by him but were controlled but what I thought he would do, or say or think in any situation. I had to surrender to get free.

Now here we are at the end of the road, the end of an era as he likes to say, I’m ready then here come the tears, so unexpected because I was through with all that carrying on.  My friend-soror-coworker saw me do it and was basically relieved. She said to me, “I was worried about you, because you were so matter of fact about what you were getting ready to do.” I cursed. She said “I know you don’t like this, but you’ve been strong this entire time, it’s okay to do this, you don’t want to go down later.” (once the divorce is granted) I said you’re right.  I surrendered to that moment. I surrendered to what I was feeling; I acknowledged that it was alright for me to feel that way. I don’t have to be tough and emotionless with a stiff upper lip in this situation because it HAS been hard. I acknowledged the hard time and how big of a step this was.  I sat down the control freak.

Is the desire to be in control of all things at all times pressing in your life? Taking a control of things that you can control is a good thing.  There are times, when ceding control and surrendering is the best thing to do.  How will you know? By listening.  Is there something you need to surrender control to right now? Do it, the result – freedom and who doesn’t want to be free?