I have started to the write this post at least five times over the past two years. I know the first time it was much too raw for me to go there with any amount of clarity or objectivity.  Somewhere in the middle I tried it again after hearing some stories, too many I guess. I made an attempt again but happened to be otherwise DISTRACTED (in a good way for once) so I couldn’t really sink my teeth into it then.  This most recent chain events however just won’t allow me to take a pass this time.  I’ve got to go in.

What made me go here this time

A friend of mine, one that I love dearly has sent me over the edge. It doesn’t matter that it’s been done to me before or that I’ve done it to others in my previous life, this one is just raw because you just don’t want it to happen and when it does, at least for me it put the final nail in the coffin.  I held this person in high regard.  When I was going through arguably the most difficult stretch in my life this person was there.  I didn’t literally cry on their shoulder but they felt the tears and listened.  When I was really high thinking that everything was gravy and I was going to be alright they were there to cheer, when I was really low, fluttering and flailing in despair, they were right there as well.  I said many times to this person, you are the ONLY good thing, pure thing, genuine thing in my life. Don’t ever change.  Maybe you are not appreciated for how good you are, but I want you to know that I appreciate you and that the good that you do, the good that you are is going to be rewarded.  As I struggled to my feet for what I thought was for good (I’ve been since been knocked down again but that’s another post for another time) we didn’t talk as much. I felt that my reliance on their support was too much. I felt like it’s time to stand on my own feet and I did.  That season had finally passed, however I would never forget all that they’d done for me and if it was ever called for, they KNEW I’d ride or die for them, regardless.  Then something happened.

Without being told, I knew that something was different.  The demeanor had changed, the aura was different, the air was no longer fresh, but it was familiar.  My friend was on the slippery slope.  I recognized it as I had been a victim. Anyone who’s on the slope is a victim, whether you’re the one actively riding it or the one that gets rolled over by rider, you’re both victims because things are not ever the same thereafter.

I remember saying these words. I don’t need you to tell me what you’re doing, because I already know because I have lived it.  What you’re contemplating will change your ENTIRE life are you ready for that?  Do you KNOW that this is the right thing to do? Have you prayed about it?

I guess they didn’t pray.  That is most disappointing. I’m owning that disappointment because I allowed myself to believe, and to hold out that hope that this is something that not everyone does. I lost my faith.

I asked a wise woman, do they all cheat. She said yes, maybe not forever, maybe just once but they do. I guess I can say now it’s not just they, it is we.

As a chaser of rainbows I always want to see the good, the beauty and the wonder of people, of the universe, not the bad, the ugly, the underbelly.  However it still happens and I still get disappointed and bent out of shape when it happens.  I hold onto the belief that, this time I’m not going to see that other side, this time is going to be different.

I Know Better

In our lifetime we have seen the rise and fall of many a politician, entertainer, minister, public person as a result of their pursuit of “interests outside their partnership”. We’ve seen it more intimately as well, maybe you’ve done it, it’s been done to you or your best friend or sister or brother or mother or father. Everybody knows that there is debris and shrapnel in the wake of its discovery.  The partner who discovers it is left bleeding on the ground, left for dead sometimes, and some die, in the sense that a piece of them dies after the event. That loving trusting piece of them can be replaced by bitterness and anger for good and it affects every single relationship thereafter.  Some cases the two remain together the blood is stopped. The wounds are dressed and in time heal, but is it ever really forgotten?  What happens to the other person, that third party that engaged in it? Do they get the man/woman, are they happy or are they left for dead?  What about children, other family members, friends of the parties involved? What happens to them?  The point I’m making is that once you enter in relationships outside of your partnership/marriage/whathaveyou ANYTHING can and will happen it should be EXPECTED, there should be no shock and awe when you’re found out.

Well Why the Hell Does it Happen?

I have turned this over in my mind ZILLIONS of times and have come to the conclusion that it just happens.  People aren’t happy in their relationship so they go somewhere else. People ARE happy in their relationship so they go somewhere else. People are fearful that they’re missing something so they go somewhere else. People are fearful that they have something wonderful, so they go somewhere else.  People are satisfied/ not satisfied, they have great sex/sucky/or no sex so they go somewhere else.  There’s no one answer, it’s a personal thing only those who indulge it know why they’re doing it and then THEY may not even know why. Again, this just happens.

So what now?

That’s left up to the two or three or how many ever it is involved.  Based on what you had, is it worth putting humpty dumpty back together again? Maybe so, maybe not.  Just know that there’s some pain involved, just know that that pain doesn’t last forever unless the parties involved CHOOSE to hold onto it, just know that things will be different. How different? Only time and work and healing will bear that out.

Maybe I should just clock out, for good?

Meaning, maybe I should just give this whole marriage/partnership/relationship thing a proper burial.  In the end, that’s just foolishness. Regardless of all the shenanigans that goes on I believe that love is STILL a beautiful thing and absolutely worth the pursuit of and full engagement in.  I also believe that what must change is our perspective.  It’s not a fairy tale, and our heads have to come out of the clouds.  Our expectations get us into a WORLD of trouble and disappointment, EVEN when they are communicated, which I’m all about.  I think it is possible to approach relationships with clarity, and reality and truthfulness. That doesn’t mean you won’t take some blows to the body, because you WILL, however connections to other human beings are too valuable to our experience on this earth to forgo. We’re not an island unto ourselves, why would you want that?

As for my dear friend

I will love this person regardless, but from afar that is what is true for this moment.  What goes on now doesn’t mean that this person is “bad” it just means that what I expected didn’t match what existed – but only in this instance.  I cannot judge as I have no power and no authority to do so, who am I anyway?  Just a person who cares.  The biggest thing that I’ve learned from this is that what you believe about someone or expect from someone is YOURS, not theirs.  I have framed them in a certain way, I put them in a box of MY creation.  I think that if I hold on to what I know is true – that people will be who THEY are and do what THEY do, then I will have some clarity.  That clarity comes from moving me out of the way.

One more thing. Just because it is a favorite of mine and this is the topic of discussion, enjoy and keep in mind how you frame it ;-)