I got the letter that I didn’t want to get a few weeks ago from Gwinnett Medical Center. It said to contact the scheduling department for additional views. That’s right, I didn’t get an all clear on my annual mammogram, I had to go back. This isn’t the first time that I had to go back. The last time it was required they rechecked me and I was good to go. This time they told me to expect to stay a couple of hours and expect to get the results today, which shouldn’t have been a big deal.  However, it was a big deal this time around because the circumstances had changed.  I now had a family history of breast cancer.

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2007. My mother, rock that she is had the attitude of “let’s treat this thing and move on”. Yet I was inconsolable. My mama, the rock, the one who takes care of everyone and everything. My mama, who is THE caretaker for my stepfather (who has mobility issues and cannot speak as the result of a stroke four years ago), was stricken with a disease that I believed she just didn’t deserve. She was too good for it, she does all the right things, she’d been through all the bad times, these were supposed to her good times. It was surreal. Yet when I saw how she handled it I could do nothing but buckle up my chin strap and get over it. I had to let go of the fear that I might lose her and the guilt that I couldn’t be there with her as she went through her treatments. She was a champ, even though it sucked, even though she was sick and hurting most times she was not going to be beaten and on the days she felt good she hopped right back on the horse and went hard like she always does.  She’s cancer free now, an advocate and back to doing everything for everybody and then some.

So today was the day. My nerves were frayed and I had this crazy eye twitch all week long. I had folks praying for me, I was praying for myself. I went in and found out that they did see something in the left breast. So they would take the views and if it still didn’t look right, they would take an ultrasound. I got the views and sat down.  They called me, not to go home, but to get the ultrasound.  I made jokes with the technicians, to alleviate the fear.  I was hoping there was nothing, but I was already thinking about, how much sick leave I had, how long would this take, what treatment would I get, what could I have done to prevent it etc.  They reviewed the ultrasound once, checked again, reviewed again and came back to tell me that it was dense tissue, but no abnormalities. I was thanking GOD in a major way and came to a realization about some things.

First of all I spent a lot of time worrying about something that I had absolutely no control over. The tests were going to be done and there would be an outcome. I had no idea what that outcome would be and I spent the last week worrying about that and planning my funeral instead of living. In a word all of that was wasteful. Secondly I realized that going forward there are some things I can control, one is my wild imagination.  I’d certainly be better off waiting to get a concrete word than speculating and working myself into a frenzy. There’s some science indicating that stress can make you ill. Another thing that I can control is what I do to my body. Yes I have made some vast improvements but there is plenty of room for more. I can tighten up on my diet, stay consistent on the exercise regimen and most importantly perform monthly breast self-exams to get use to the feel and note any changes from month to month.  Finally I came to the conclusion that I needed be more educated about breast cancer especially after watching CNNs Black in America 2 and learning that black women are more susceptible to triple negative breast cancer than any other group. Cause for alarm, yes cause for education and treatment a definitive yes.

Overall, though this experience brought on a great deal of fear, I am thankful for it because it was a wakeup call for me. Play time is over, good health isn’t a given and that in order to have it I (and you) have to be an active participant in the process.  We cannot be ruled by fear, we have to be ruled by strength and power so that whatever the health crisis is, in this case breast cancer, we can be educated and be prepared to fight.