Up Again
Insomnia is a bitch as noted on Twitter this morning, part of my mini rant. Sleeplessness is not a new story but an old frenemy. What came out of this recent bout is new however.
For the second time this week and the third time in the last two weeks, I received the early morning wakeup call. Last week, I woke up at 1:00, couldn't sleep and ended up going to the gym at 3:30 am and back to bed at 5:30 for a nap before work. That's all I can remember of that day. Tuesday it was up at
3:00 am and back for a nap at 6:00. This morning up at 3:00 am again. I thought I might go to work (at job #2) but thought it dangerous and completely irrational to take to the road in this state of mind and sleeplessness. As I ended the going to work debate and cracked open the laptop I started writing, about all the bullshit clogging up my mind. Two hours of writing and then I stopped. Looking at the issues on screen instead of ruminating on them over and over again in my head turned on the proverbial light bulb. Sure they are bothering me, certainly a fixture in this pea brain of mine but they weren't what was making me wake up in the middle of the night.
Sounds trite, cliche even but it's my reaction or in this case non-action toward these issues that keeps waking me up. Yeah, it's all me and needless to say I'm pissed about it.
The crap writing, the writing about what was in my head lead me to GOD.
Now I know what you're thinking--oh here she goes with her come to Jesus moment but hear me out. In the whining I came to the conclusion that God is the only dependable being in my life, yet I have no expectations of God. I mean how could I? Ain't nothing changed -- I'm still broke and pissed off and the prayed for help has not come. At that moment I stopped writing. Some of these things are controllable issues and some are not. What have I done to get a grip on the controllables? After a cursory review, not enough. What about the non-controllables? Well even on those there is something that I can do.
Let them go.
I can't change this stuff so why fool with it? Letting go of foolishness that has become part of one's being is easy in theory and difficult in practice (at least for me). I've yet to master the art of letting go but am open to new practices that will allow this to happen. In the meantime, I'm still awake and muddling through, focusing on the controllables and the rest?
I don't know.
Image from isomniaquotes.com , Brian Gardner
